Update

I read a story in a book today. Momentus monumental.

I never wanted to be in a Ken Burns thing. I don’t want them to interview me at 102 and ask about my memories of this time. Maybe I will. It’s a long time from now.

What I hate the most is the little things we all do. Like the way they’d talk about turning over the plates during the dust bowl, so they wouldn’t collect dust while the table was set but dinner was still being prepared. remember a mask! we all say. I really hate that.

Holiday

It’s a beautiful day out

I’m hurting

People everywhere are enjoying their day off

I’m hurting

The sun is shining

I’m hurting

There isn’t enough of anything for anything. And still I’m expected to make it through.

I will. But only because I have to.

I’m hurting

Doing ok

I’m doing alright.

It might suck again later. But just now it doesn’t.

Jazzy Spies- with help!

I can count Jazzy Spies. I had help. (thanks and sorry) This song is such utter madness!

Here it is:

7 7 11  7 6 12

6 7 6 10

7, 7’s (!!!!!) and a 6

7 7 11 fade out

Cold soul

I once held my entire soul inside my lungs for a three hour drive. If I let it slip out I knew it would fall on my heart and break it.

Then when I got home and let my heart break, I slept for hours.

I wish I had sleep. My soul is cold. It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep breathing when your soul is cold, as mine is. And everyone wants me to keep breathing so I have to do it. But my soul is so cold.

Conversation 1.5

This morning I called Glass to come and he was there. And he sat in my car with me and listened as I talked about snow. I said I was sad because I wasn’t enjoying the snow I could tell was beautiful, and what did it mean? Glass asked me about the last time I was happy and I talked about the warm day out walking with Gentle. And the steps the steps the steps. And the small lunch place and the lovely things to eat and the sunshine. And I said I knew the snow was beautiful. But it was also dangerous and could hurt me by making me cold and tired. And what if I got so tired I touched one virus and it got me and I infected Tea and his family and Gentle and Warmth and his family and my family and my workplace and everyone died and it was my fault. And Glass said that’s not going to happen. Or, he said after a minute, I could stay home and do nothing and they could all get sick anyway. And I was quiet. And I knew Glass was right. And I felt a little better.

Conversations 0.5

I’ve been having conversations by halves. I want to record some of the ones I remember.

The first one was with Strength at the dentist. I don’t mind going to the dentist except when they do bitewings. Those make me gag. But they do them anyway and I deal. Last time Strength was there. He wasn’t, then he just was. And he looked straight into me with his serious eyes. And he said “You can do this. You’ve got this.” And his eyes were so full of love and confidence that I just took some of it and it made me better.

All of it

Everything is awful.

I mean

except

the sun

Warmth

and Gentle speaking

and poetry

and building and Tea

Those,

are alright. I think

salvation-

perhaps?

Compliment & Reminder

Good doesn’t cover it

Really inadequate

Every little inflection is right

Going in and out of the emotion

Singing, alternately laughing

I think you nailed it

Not like I can tell you this

Good smarties say to leave it

So my compromise as always

Will be to crypt here

Eh. Why not?

Like I can keep everything inside anyway

LOL

Ally

I think I have an ally. I believe the word ally to be the strongest and best word for what this friend is to me. If I’m correct- and I think I am- then I have an ally.

It seems to me an ally is someone with whom you share the same desire of protecting. It describes the existence of a thing of potential between you both. The break-glass-in-case-of-emergency factor. Perhaps the glass remains unshattered for your entire lives. A waiting potential that if wakened, would bloom into warrior devotion, pushing aside all else until safety is delivered. An ally is what I believe I have made.

I’m not sure I’ve had more than a handful of allies my whole life. It feels actually pretty good.