I am almost done listening to the full body of work of the Aquabats as available on iTunes. I did this in an interesting path. Because at first I assumed I wouldn’t like their music (silly me), I only purchased two songs: ‘Legend and BFF. One of the only episodes I’d caught on DVR at the time was Ladyfingers, thus I knew BFF was listenable. And of course, ‘Legend is amazing and I knew immediately I’d love it. A two-song playlist gets old pretty quick, and I found I wanted more ‘bats to round out my listening sessions. So I bought the two most recent albums: Charge and Hi-Five Soup, and started listening to them nonstop. I had those to memory pretty quick. It’s not that I set out to memorize things, it just happens after a while. Once I started to realize I liked their music, I knew I had to have more. On the other hand I am aware how different the Aquabats are from the only other band I’ve ever listened to with this kind of fervor- The Beatles. There are fewer albums and more lineup changes over time. They are much more obscure, and it’s even hard to know what they look like with the masks obscuring their faces. Genius move that. For someone you know well, a mask is no disguise. For someone you’ve only ever seen in a mask, it makes a big difference. Remember Wilson? Tim’s neighbor from Home Improvement? His schtick was that his face was always partially obscured by the fence. When the series ended they had him come out and show the lower half of his face. It didn’t really look like you would’ve thought. It’s like Frank Oz observed- Entertaining masked or muppeted means no one will bother you when you are at the store buying a can of beans. On the other hand, it can be very depressing if you want someone to bother you at the store while you’re buying a can of beans.
Anyway… where was I going with this? Oh, right, the Aquabats are not the Beatles. I’ve got like six, maybe six and a half albums to enjoy here? So I wanted to make them last. I moved on to Floating Eye and listened to it unto ingrainedness. I liked the way the reverse in time was bringing on the horns and showing stylistic variety. It was like peeling back the layers of time, journeying to the chewy, youthful center of the candy bar that is the Aquabats. Eye of Death memorized, I decided to bring on The Fury of’. Full on ska, baby! The best part about the trip into the past was that the old songs were strangely easy to listen to. Their newer songs took me a few listenings to get hooked, but their old works? Instantaneous attraction. I suspect there’s a major ska fan in me somewhere, but right now I can’t tear myself away from the Aquabats to listen to another band. The final old album is called The Return of the Aquabats, which is already hilarious as a title. The album is incredibly unpolished but somehow still really good. Is it the Commander’s charm and delivery? Is it the ska? The horns? Or is it just my love for seeing the cracks- the full amateurish glory of a group of nobody’s performing at a high school or bunch of friends assembled hastily for a weekend jam. I honestly love this as well as I do perfection. I think the reason is this: I enjoy media by inserting myself into it mentally. I could be there with them, I tell myself, in a way I clearly couldn’t once they really took off.
Adoring their early work to pieces, I again listened until it was all to memory. Because I chose to listen to proper albums first, I had left out Myths Legends et cetra. That’s now. I’m back in the middle hearing their oddballs and rejects from Floating Eye’. So it came as a delightful surprise when I heard Wild Sea. You see, Floating Eye of Death has one song I can’t listen to; Chemical Bomb. I tried twice, but the lyrics make me too sad. But that catchy riff! I missed it after awhile. Well Wild Sea makes use of that riff while simultaneously making the song faster and giving it fun and fantastical lyrics instead of depressing ones. So I feel like I got back the lost song I was missing.

How lefty am I? I’ve been pondering this today because I notice Eaglebones seems a little more left-handed than I am. He plays a left-handed guitar left-handed. I play a right-handed guitar left-handed. He summons The Dude with his right arm. I had to ask several people to pretend they were summoning The Dude to find out if rightys usually use their right or left arm. It seems like the non-dominant hand is the common choice for bird perching. This means a lefty would summon right-armed. I summon left-armed. I also cut with my right hand and use the phone on my right ear. Is something wrong with my handedness?

Edit: 5/4/14 Eaglebones and I both eat with our left hand. And I brush my teeth left-handed. I don’t think any episodes show Bones brushing his teeth.

Previously on the Aquabats! Supershow!: This one has ALOT of strange ones. I think my favorite is the collapsing chair.

Somewhere, at a rock concert…
(We see footage of an Aquabats concert. Cut to MCBC driving the battletram while Jimmy rides shotgun.)
Jimmy: Great show Commander. You were really goin’ for it out there tonite, but are you sure you’re not too tired to drive?
MCBC: Me? No way. I’m still riding the adrenaline from that show. Why I feel like I could…zzz
(The battletram swerves as MCBC nods off. Jimmy screams, waking MCBC who returns to his lane.)
MCBC: Maybe I should get some sleep. You know, just to be doin it.
Jimmy: (looking scared) Good idea Commander uh, why don’t you pull over at the next gas station and we can all get some rest?

(The four human ‘bats are in bunks while Jimmy sits in a rocking chair.)
Eaglebones: Uh Jimmy. I think we can handle getting to sleep without you sitting there all night.
Crash: Not me Jimmy. I wanna hear a story about bears and licorice- and bears with licorice arms!
Jimmy: Ok, Crash. How about this one: The Floating Eye of Death.
Crash: The floating eye of what?
Jimmy: Once upon a time there was a giant floating eyeball that flew across the land-
Crash: I like this story!
Jimmy: -in search of human souls to devour!
Crash: I don’t like this story!
Jimmy: It trapped its victims with its long tentacles, and sucked out their souls with a terrifying stare. These poor doomed saps became the Floating Eye’s soldiers, forced to help it in its quest to suck out the soul of every human on the planet. Finally a brave wizard banished the Floating Eye to another dimension with powerful magics. And now the only way to summon it back to earth is to say Floating Eye of Death backwards three times. Like this:
Crash: Ok ok I’m really tired- should probly go to sleep now.
Eaglebones: (musing) Floating Eye of Death backwards…thead foe yeh g-nitolf! WOW! Those are some seriously powerful magic words.
Crash: Shut up Eaglebones. Don’t say it again.
Ricky: (Mischievously) Don’t say what?
Crash: Thead foe yeh g-nitolf! Aw now I’ve said it- that’s twice!
MCBC: Everybody Be QUIET. I’m tryina sleep.
Jimmy: I guess I should go recharge. Unless you guys want me to sit here all night.
Eaglebones: Uhh no.
Ricky: Naw.
Crash: Kinda.
MCBC: Go to sleep.
Jimmy: Alright then. I’ll let you four go to sleep in your warm cozy bunks in your warm cozy jammies. And I’ll go back to my dark lab all alone and plug myself into that cold recharge station.
Ricky: Cool, goodnight! (Jimmy leaves) Thead foe yeh g-nitolf- whatever!
(Over in the lab, Jimmy looks at a picture of all five wistfully, before stepping into his recharge station. In the sleeping quarters Crash is restless, thinking he hears noises.)
Crash: Forget this. I’m gonna get some snacks.
(Crash walks outside towards the gas station convenience store. We see the Floating Eye from the bedtime story rise in the background, but no one notices it.)
Gas station employee we later learn is named Tina: Good evening.
Crash: Hi. Do you guys carry snacks? (She points) Yesss! No way, you have video games?
Tina: You can try but you’re not gonna beat my high score.
Crash: It’s a cartoooon!

It’s a cartoon:
Narrator: Last time, the shrunken Aquabats flew up Jimmy’s nose. OMG gross! Meanwhile, a giant space worm closes in on the battletram.
MCBC: It’s not working! I can’t hold them off forever. What do I do?
Eaglebones: Just pull the plug that’s to the right of the button and then plug it back in.
Narrator: Jimmy’s antivirus defense system springs into action. Eat that parasites!
MCBC: Bones get me out of here!
Narrator: Meanwhile the space worm finally knocks some sense into Jimmy the Robot. Time for some fancy space drivin!
MCBC: Jimmy come in. Jimmy do you read me?
Jimmy: I must really be malfunctioning. I can hear voices in my head.
MCBC: That’s good Jimmy! Listen to the voices in your head.
Jimmy: Commander? Where are you?
MCBC: We’re in your head Jimmy. We had to restart your computer brain and now your defense system is about to destroy us. Can you guide us out of here quickly?
Jimmy: My friends saved me?
MCBC: Jimmy. Concentrate.
Jimmy: My sensors are giving me your location. If you look to your right you should see a yellow wire; follow it down.
Narrator: Watch out Jimmy, that space worm just chomped a hole in space-time! Galloping galaxies. More wormholes!
Eaglebones: They’re gaining on us!
MCBC: Quick, turn there!
Eaglebones: Uh Jimmy? Where are we?
Jimmy: I’m sensing…you’re in my heart.
MCBC: Uhhh ok, what next?
Jimmy: Ok there’s a special compartment- (an alarm sounds indicating antivirus ships have found them)
Narrator: Busted! (they are fired upon and take damage)
Shuttle computer: Rocket reexpansion to begin in ten, nine, eight…
MCBC: Jimmy we need to get out of here now!
Narrator: Can the Aquabats escape before they grow back to normal size and break Jimmy’s heart for reals? Tune in next week G!

Crash: Aw man I stink at this game!
(A tentacle snakes in through the door and drags off the trucker as he’s shopping. Tina screams hysterically.)
Crash: That trucker needs help. (He rushes outside and sees the Floating Eye) Ahhhh it’s real! I knew it!

FauxMercial: Stoopid phone- it’s not just a phone, it’s a lifestyle!

Crash: Ahhhh it’s real! I knew it!
(Crash watches in horror as the trucker is turned into a zombie by the eye)
Trucker: Let me down! Ahhhhh!!!
(Trucker, now green and zombified, stumbles toward Crash, who evades him and rushes to the battletram.)
Crash: (tugging at the door unsuccessfully) Oh no! I locked myself out. Guys, guys! Ya gotta wake up! The floating death eye thing is real!
MCBC: (in his bunk) If that stupid neighbor cat doesn’t shut up-!
Crash: Guys wake up ya gotta wake up! (He runs around to try the other door)
MCBC: (answering the door Crash has just left) Listen you! Huh?
(MCBC is grabbed and zombified. Crash runs in the door he’s left ajar.)
Crash: Ricky! Eaglebones! Wake up!
Eaglebones: What is it now Crash?
Crash: We really summoned that floaty eye thing! It turned the commander all green.
Ricky: What?
Crash: Yeah come on! See for yourself.
(They check an external camera from the media room)
Ricky: Oh no this is all our fault!
Eaglebones: We’ve gotta help him.
Crash: It’s too late for the Commander, but we’ve gotta save that girl in the gas station
Ricky: Girl?
(Inside the store Tina hides behind a counter.)
Tina: Hello? Is anyone there who’s not a grodey tentacle? (MCzomBC and Trucker Zombie enter and grab Tina) Get out of my store! Get out of here! (They drag her outside.) I’m not allowed to leave the register. Help! Help me! Oh my gosh! What is that thing? (She screams)
Ricky: Hey!! Floating Eye Guys!
(Ricky distracts the zombies by running in circles around them as Crash and Eaglebones retreat to the store with Tina. Eaglebones locks them in.)
Eaglebones: You’re safe now ma’am
Tina: Do y’all know what that thing is?
Crash: It’s the Floating Eye, of Death.
Eaglebones: And it won’t stop, until it’s sucked out all of our souls.
Tina: Dang. Kind of a bummer.
Crash: (distracted) Whoa! You guys have trucker caps!
Ricky: (outside) Hey guys, can I stop now? Guys!
Tina: Oh this one’s great. It says, “Feel My Steel” with a picture of a tiny truck.
Eaglebones: So rad!
(As Ricky pounds on the door, they use the beat to rap with the trucker slogans. While they are all distracted, Ricky gets turned.)
Crash: Hey Ricky. Ricky?
Eaglebones: Ricky!!!
Tina: Who’s Ricky?

Bat Cartoon: Lil Bat attempts to be rad at skateboarding.

(Jimmy, now fully recharged, heads to the bedroom, then the media room.)
Jimmy: Guys? Where is everybody? Am I- all alone?
(Back in the convenience store)
Tina: Is there any way to stop that thing?
Crash: Yeah. We need to fix that floating eye thing good!
Eaglebones: That’s it, Crash. Instead of trying to stop it, we should think of a way to fix it!
Crash: I made a smart!
Eaglebones: But how do you fix a bad eye?
Tina: Ooh! My granddaddy had bad eyes, but he got some of that fancy laser surgery- fixed him up real good!
Eaglebones and Crash: Lasers? Jimmy!!
Tina: Who’s Jimmy?
(To get out of the store past the zombies, Eaglebones distracts them by throwing snack cakes at them.)
Eaglebones: Hey! Zombies! You guys like snacks?

(Inside the store)
Crash: You stay here….
Tina: Tina!
Crash: -Tina and I’ll be back with our robot friend.
Tina: Be careful! Don’t let that thing look you in the eye.
Crash: Don’t worry.
Tina: Ok.
Crash: I’ll cover my eyes and it won’t be able to hurt me.
Eaglebones: (calling from outside) Hurry up, Crash. I’m running low on snacks here!
Crash: (running outside) JIMMMMYYYY! Jimmy! Lasers! Shoot it with lasers!!!
Jimmy: (checking the external camera in the media room) I’m not alone!
(Crash runs to the battletram with his eyes covered and promptly knocks himself unconscious on it.)
Eaglebones: Well that’s just awesome… (The zombies hold Eaglebones while the Floating Eye turns him)
Jimmy: No Bones! No! Now I truly am alone. It’s all because of that stupid eyeball!
(Jimmy fearlessly strides into the store past the four zombies)
Jimmy: (to Tina) If you want to survive, give me everything I ask for and do exactly as I say. Are we good?
Tina: We’re good.

(They do a more ‘rock’ version of Feel My Steel while Jimmy builds a laser of convenience store items. He and Tina bring the laser outside.)
Jimmy: Stand aside, Miss. I’ll handle this. Set for stun. (He shoots down each zombie, then speaks to the Eye) It’s your turn. Come and get me! (It scoops him up) Set for slice and dice. (He cuts the eye open with the laser and drains its aqueous humor, which causes it to explode.)
Tina: Weehoo! You saved us all, Ricky!
Jimmy: It’s Robot. Jimmy the Robot.
(Indicates the zombies) Kinda thought they’d turn back to normal.

(Later in the sleeping quarters of the battletram, we see all four human ‘bats in their bunks. They are varying shades of green except Crash, who has a bandage around his head.)
Jimmy: Lunchtime!
Crash: Hey thanks, Robot.
Jimmy: Don’t mention it Crash. Come on now Commander. Eat your Floating Eye of Death goop. Your soul’s in here somewhere and we gotta make sure you get it all back!
Crash: Sorry you’ve had to take care of us the past three weeks.
Jimmy: I don’t mind. At least I’m not all alone. I’m surrounded by my best friends. Now who wants to hear a story? How about the Flaming Rhino of Darkness?
(Crash shakes his head. Ricky is so upset he falls off his bunk. Jimmy winces and looks uncertain.)

I wrote a lil’ note to the Aquabats at the end of last month. Today I received a humorous reply. They must be wading through some huge pile of electrons alright, that it’s a month to get to an email.

Previously on the Aquabats Supershow: A couple of these shots in the desert actually look like they might be upcoming on the Aquabats.

Somewhere, just (outside) of Detroit ->

(The Aquabats are stopped at a frozen treat stand next to Detroit City Pineapple Park. Two young kids are playing nearby on the grass. Two older kids approach them looking mean.)
Kid with punk hair: Hey dumb kids.
Smaller Kid #1: Huh?
Kid with punk hair: We’re just wondering why you’re so dumb!
Smaller kid #2: What did we do?
Kid with mullet: Hey shut your dumb face!
(Eaglebones notices the four kids interacting and catches his bandmates attention.)
Pilgrim Boy: (approaching the older two) Prithee pardon me good sirs.
MCBC: (observes) A pilgrim? It’s not even thanksgiving.
Pilgrim Boy: I beseech ye cease these ramshambles outright and depart ye post haste!
Punk: What language is that?
Mullet: I dunno. It sounds like…cursive.
Punk: Yah what’re you gonna do pilgrim boy, make us some oatmeal?
MCBC: (aside) They’re gonna fight.
Eaglebones: Yeah.
(Pilgrim Boy turns himself into a velociraptor and drives off the two older boys. He then changes back.)
Pilgrim Boy: (to the younger boys, who look terrified) I promise those boys shan’t return. And you may now resume your activities in peace and safety.
(the kids scream and run off)
MCBC: Great job little pilgrim homie! We’re the Aquabats, and that was amazing.
Pilgrim Boy: Thank you kind sir.
Crash: Hey you’re a pilgrim; you like turkey, right?
Pilgrim Boy: Oooh! Hoo!
Ricky: We’ve got one roasting back at the battletram. Why don’t you join us for dinner?
MCBC: And then we could play some fantasy football- it’ll be just like thanksgiving!
Pilgrim Boy: I thank thee for thine hosptality and graciousness good sirs. I’ve eaten nought but barley and oats, dried and unseasoned for the past ninety days.
MCBC: Uh sure a-anytime young Pilgrim Boy. Let’s go!

Faux-Mercial:
Snakey snacks (he wants them back!)

Eaglebones: (quietly coaching Pilgrim Boy) Strum and strum -it’s really quite easy. This is the C chord. This is the D chord.
(Ricky and Crash eat turkey in the kitchenette. MCBC and Jimmy play ‘Fantasy Football’ a game involving football, wizards, and dragons.)
Jimmy: (as he loses) Aw man!
MCBC: Haha! Better luck next time Robot.
Eaglebones: Pilgrim Boy? I hope I’m not prying, but I’ve been wondering something. How did you do that before? You know, in the park?
Pilgrim Boy: Oh, you mean change my form into that monster from prehistory?
Ricky: Yeah, are you a superhero or an alien or like…an awesome dude from another dimension??
Pilgrim Boy: No. I’m a shapeshifter. Meaning I can change my form into anything really
Eaglebones: Seriously? Anything?
Crash: How about a monster truck?
Ricky: Or a snake with giraffe legs?
Pilgrim Boy: My friends thank ye for your kindness. But you see it’s excruciatingly painful to shift my shape. Therefore I only do it when it’s absolutely necessary.
MCBC: That is so cool. Can you change into a bucket of purple ice cubes?
Pilgrim Boy: Yes. Surety. Why does everyone always ask for that?
MCBC: Aw come on just do it real quick.
Pilgrim Boy: Alright. If it pleases ye.
(He strains for a moment, then becomes a purple bucket full of purple ice cubes. He reverts to human form a few seconds later. The Aquabats seem impressed. In the background the TV switches to a live feed with some breaking news.)
(from television) President Stuncastin: My fellow citizens of the world, United Nations, friends of the earth; we are facing perhaps our greatest crisis. We are currently doing everything in our power to stop the creature.
MCBC: Mute! Right now I’m more interested in watching Pilgrim boy shapeshift. What else can you change into?
(Pilgrim Boy looks distracted by the news story just muted on TV)
Crash: Can you turn into a winged shark that spits out gold coins?
MCBC: No, Crash- too messy. I mean, who’s gonna want to pick up all those gold coins?
Crash: Oh yeah good point.
Jimmy: Maybe, a motorized bar of soap?
MCBC: Great idea, Robot! Ok Pilgrim Boy…
Pilgrim Boy: I, I, I…I- I, I
All four: Please!!
Pilgrim Boy: (wincing) Ow ow ow-
(He changes into a small white block of soap with wheels and a tiny pilgrim hat.)
All of them: (cheering) Soap! That is too cool! Yeah!
(He changes back.)
MCBC: Smokin! Do you think you can change into a cartoon?
Pilgrim Boy: I might try…
(Guys wriggle excitedly and exclaim as Pilgrim Boy becomes a television.)
MCBC: It’s a cartoooon!

It’s a cartoon:
Narrator: When left we last the Aquabats they totally blew up the moon, only to find that Jimmy the Robot was infected with alien parasites. And the only way to save their robot friend is to shrink themselves down!
Eaglebones: We shrunk ourselves into this microscopic battle-shuttle.
MCBC: Yes, Eaglebones we did. (They fly into Jimmy through his nose)
Jimmy: (waking) Friends? My friends have come!…to save me? Oh I’m alone again.
Narrator: Don’t worry Jimmy- your friends are much closer than you think!
MCBC: Look at all these parasites. How do we get rid of em’?
Eaglebones: Commander! If we can just reboot Jimmy’s CPU, it’ll initiate his anti-virus software and destroy any foreign parasite in the system.
Crash: Reboot his sleepy eww and imitate his what?
Eaglebones: (sighs) Turn his brain off and then turn it on again.
MCBC: Wait! Eaglebones. That antivirus will destroy any foreign parasite? Including us?
Eaglebones: Oh yeah. I guess once Jimmy reboots we’ll only have seconds to get out or we’re toast.
Ricky: (glancing at parasites out the window) Uhhh guys? I think we should hurry.
MCBC: To the CPU!
Narrator: Meanwhile outside the battletram a grodey space worm closes in! Wake up Jimmy. Battle damage! Back inside Jimmy’s robot brain the Aquabats reach the CPU. Can they reboot their friend and escape in time? Better act fast commander. (Bat Commander exits the microsub and finds the restart shoves at it but nothing happens) Oh snap!
MCBC: Not working. It’s not working!
Eaglebones: You have hold the button down!
MCBC: I am holding it down!
Eaglebones: No, you’re not.
MCBC: I am holding it down. Look!
Eaglebones: I am looking! And I can clearly see- Commander! Behind you! There are a few parasites!
MCBC: How many is a few?
Eaglebones: Uhhh five hundred or so?
MCBC: Oh crudballs.
Narrator: The Bat Commander surrounded by parasites? A malfunctioning Jimmy attacked by a space worm? Can things get any more dangerous?? Absolutely! Tune in to the next episode!

(Pilgrim Boy turns back into a human. He is visibly tired and uncomfortable.)
Crash: Wait wait wait. What about a clown riding a fifty foot dragon made out of-
Eaglebones: You guys! Look at him. Can’t you see he’s in pain?
Pilgrim Boy: He speaks the truth my friends. Shapeshifting is most unpleasant. Besides aren’t ye heroic champions? Shouldn’t you be marshaling your forces to fight yonder monstrosity?
MCBC: What? Unmute.
President: Thirty minutes ago what can only be described as some kind of giant space cricket was seen moving rapidly outside the city of Detroit, heading for the pineapple plantations. This is a major emergency!
MCBC: Great! A major emergency and this dude over here is distracting us with his silly tricks. Seriously Pilgrim Boy. Mm!
Jimmy: Wait Commander, maybe he can help.
MCBC: Good point Jimmy.
Ricky: I don’t know. That bug looks pretty big.
MCBC: Pilgrim Boy! Change into a giant kangaroo and squash that bug lickety-split!
Pilgrim Boy: That does it-! I’ve had it. ‘Pilgrim boy change into a cow- we need milk.’ ‘Oh Pilgrim boy we need eggs. Change into a chicken.’ Well I’m finished. Herewith! (He goes out the door)
(They all look at one another ashamedly for a moment, then seemingly deciding Pilgrim Boy was teasing, they laugh and head after him. Once outside they cannot find him. The audience can see that he has changed into a caterpillar in the grass.)
MCBC: Hey where did he go? Jeez what’s his problem?
Crash: Yeah, seriously. Touchy.
Jimmy: Why would the shape shifting pilgrim boy leave us at a time when the Detroit pineapple crop was being threatened by a giant potato bug?
MCBC: Yes it makes no sense!
Eaglebones: Isn’t it kind of obvious guys?
Ricky: Uhh no!
Eaglebones: He has to deal with stuff like this all the time. You guys don’t know what it’s like to be different than everyone else.
(Bones sings You Have No Idea, until MCBC cuts him off)
MCBC: Aquabats! Let’s go fight that giant potato bug!
Jimmy: It’s headed for the pineapple plantation.
MCBC: Hang on pineapples. We’re on our way!

Bat Cartoon:
How can Lil Bat sleep with this fly bugging him?!

(The battletram arrives within striking distance of the space cricket)
MCBC: Aquabats attack! Crash, launch missiles at target!
Crash: (speaks into a phone in the battletram wall to launch the missiles…somehow) Roger victor vector. We got a bogey. Fire missiles at target bring the house copy that.
(They watch as the missiles hit, but fail to slow the giant bug’s progress in the slightest. They all look incredulous.)
MCBC: Well that’s it men. I’m afraid we are completely out of options. Let’s accept our fate. It’s been a pleasure working with all of you.
Eaglebones: Not yet commander- I have an idea. (He goes topside to the observation bubble) I SUMMON THE DUDE!!! Dude, find the pilgrim boy- go! Fly Dude, fly! (Dude returns with Caterpillar Boy) Great work dude!
Eaglebones: I’m so sorry Pilgrim Boy. I understand how you feel. It wasn’t right how we were treating you.
Pilgrim Boy: I thank ye for your understanding, Eaglebones. Please forgive me for leaving thee?
Eaglebones: Of course we forgive you Pilgrim Boy. But we could really use your help right now.
Pilgrim Boy: I know what must be done. Hurleth me hither and yon.
Eaglebones: What?
Pilgrim Boy: Just throw me at the bug.
Eaglebones: Oh. Be careful brave Pilgrim Boy.
(Pilgrim Boy lands where the giant bug can see him and changes into a fancier looking pilgrim in sequins and leather.)
Crash: Whoa awesome!
Ricky: I can’t believe my eyes!
(Pilgrim Boy sings a sad song, The World is Passing Us By, which causes the bug fall to down, then explode…somehow. This highly emotional song also makes all the Aquabats break into tears. Actually, I’m surprised Crash remains normal size through all this…)
MCBC: Thank you Pilgrim Boy- for saving the world.
Pilgrim Boy: No thank you the Aquabats, for helping me realize that as heros we must do our very best- even if it means we must endure terrible physical pain.
MCBC: Yeah yeah, hey could you turn into some fireworks? That would really help this moment.
(Pilgrim Boy looks dismayed but blasts off anyway, turning into a spectacular fireworks display as they all wave goodbye.)

Previously on the Aquabats! Supershow!:
This one’s mostly right, except for Crash levitating a rock…

Somewhere, at a three star golf course…
(Written on screen the ‘three star golf course’ appears as ***-golf course)

The group is at a lush, green golf course. All are wearing caps, gloves, argyl socks, and white striped shoes. Jimmy is up. He uses his robotic eyes to estimate distance, swings, and gets within one stroke. The others clap. MCBC is next. As he prepares to swing, a tinny jingle is heard.)
MCBC: Some of us are trying to play golf here.
Crash: (mumbling) turn off my cellphone…
MCBC: Do you even know how important golf is to the world?
Crash: I promise- no more distractions today.
MCBC: (He swings, gets near Jimmy’s shot) What a drive! Haha!
Eaglebones: Alright, Crash. You’re next.
Crash: (Takes several swings but only manages to kick up sod. When he finally hits the ball it goes wild.) Ahh! Stupid golf ball!! AHHHHH! (He grows giant) I stink at this game!!
MCBC: Easy; it’s ok big fella. Relax. Golf is 99 percent mental; one percent exercise! Come on, let’s go get your ball.
(Crash shrinks back down)
Ricky: Hurry up, Crash those old ladies caught up to us again.
Woman golfer Midwest: What’s the holdup you jokers?
Woman golfer’s friend: Maybe you girls should try miniature golf.
MCBC: We’re getting clowned by those old ladies. (The ladies begin launching golf balls at them) Hey!
Midwest: Four!
MCBC: What’s big idea?
Friend: Five!
MCBC: Hey! Ow!
Crash: (in the rough) Little golf ball? Is that you?
Small blue skinned man: Off me you big oaf!
Crash: Sorry little buddy. Uh, did you see a orange ball in here?
Small blue skinned man: Like that one?
Crash: Oh yeah. Thanks guy
Small blue skinned man: Your ball hit me you big nicompoop!
Crash: Oh, sorry ’bout that. I gotta go.
Small blue skinned man: Silence idiot! You will pay for disturbing the almighty Uberchaun! (ground shakes) I curse you! (Hits Crash with purple sparkles, Crash falls down)
MCBC: What’s the holdup, Crash? Whoa, who’s your creepy little friend? No offense.
Crash: I think he’s like a leprechaun or something. He was just about to curse me.
Eaglebones: Hold on. If you’re really a leprechaun aren’t you supposed to give us gold? Or wishes? Or golden wishes!?
Uberchaun: I am NOT a leprechaun!!! I am Uberchaun! (Ground shakes) Now you all be cursed!
MCBC: I don’t feel any different. You guys feeling cursed?
Eaglebones: Nope I’m good.
Ricky: I actually feel…better.
Jimmy: (disappointed) I never feel anything.
Uberchaun: You have one hour to complete three challenges. But if you fail, I add you to my collection. (He pulls a tiny man from his waist pouch to demonstrate his ‘collection’) Hahahahaha.
Ricky: I told you guys we shoulda gone jogging instead of golf. Golf is not exercise.
MCBC: Yes but it is the most classy way to avoid responsibility.
Jimmy: Hear hear!
MCBC: Now what are those three challenges?
Uberchaun: Simply, tie a ribbon to the top branch of an ancient tree. (Makes a ribbon appear for said challenge)
MCBC: That’s it? I got dibs on that one.
Crash: Hey I can help you. I’m awesome at climbing trees.
MCBC: Ooooh sorry. Eaglebones wanted to help me with that. Right Eaglebones?
Eaglebones: Oh, yeah. Totally.
Uberchaun: Next, pull the flag from the thirteenth hole.
Ricky: Mine! I call that one.
Jimmy: I can help you Ricky.
Uberchaun: And lastly, fetch me a cherry soda from the clubhouse vending machine.
MCBC: Hey Crash that’s perfect for you. Cherrry so-da. From a machine?
Crash: All by myself?
MCBC: Yeah it’s easy, right? (He looks to the others for confirmation; they look dubious)
Crash: No, no I can do it. I won’t let you guys down.
Uberchaun: That’s settled. Your hour starts now.
MCBC: Remember: cherry soda. Don’t let us down. (Hands him some change)
Crash: OK!
Uberchaun: But before you go you might want to consider watching this. It’s a cartoooon!

It’s a cartoon:
Narrator: When we last left the Aquabats they narrowly escaped the sinking underwater city with a malfunctioning Jimmy the Robot. Back on board the battletram…
Crash: Alright Jimmy, let’s get you dried off.
Jimmy: The house. La meson. Please do not leave luggage unattended. Unattended luggage will be confiscated and exploded. (One of his finger rockets launches and explodes near Crash’s feet)
Crash: Yaaaa!
MCBC: Ricky, get us off this piece of cheese.
Narrator: Aquabats prepare for blast off!
(Moon cracks and falls apart spectacularly)
Narrator: Eww that can’t be good.
Crash: Dude we totally broke the moon.
MCBC: Do you feel better Jimmy?
Jimmy: (twitching) I, I. I uh I-
Ricky: Commander look! (He points at a tiny black dot jumping near Jimmy’s face)
Narrator: What’s this? A microscopic monster!?
MCBC: Something’s very wrong. Put him in the problem-solver-outer table.
Eaglebones: Commander- this doesn’t look good.
Narrator: No it doesn’t Eaglebones.
MCBC: Cheese and crackers!!
Eaglebones: Jimmy is infected with millions of these weird alien parasites.
Ricky: But where did they come from?
Eaglebones: Hmm, my best guest is the lake.
Ricky: Because lakes are full of gross germs!
Eaglebones: See? (points to a spot near Jimmy’s temple) Look here where he’s damaged. I think that’s how they got in.
MCBC: We have to act fast or we could lose our robot friend forever.
Ricky: Commander, what if we shrink ourselves and fight them from inside Jimmy?
MCBC: (refrains from using crowbar) Maybe. Or even better, we could shrink ourselves and fight them from inside Jimmy! Let’s do it!
All: Yeah!
Narrator: Can the Aquabats save Jimmy from the tiny choppers? Tune in to the next episode!

Uberchaun: You just wasted three minutes of your hour watching a silly cartoon.
Eaglebones: Heyyy you did that on purpose!
MCBC: Curse you Uberchaun.
Uberchaun: No I curse you! Times a wastin’.
MCBC: Aquabats, we got this!
(They sing a song- We Got This!)

(MCBC and Eaglebones ride the golf cart to an open area and look around.)
MCBC: Now where do we find an ancient tree?
Eaglebones: Commander, I can use my eaglevision.
MCBC: Whatever you say Eaglebones.
Eaglebones: There! (points three feet in front of them at an old-looking tree)
MCBC: Let’s do this!

(Ricky and Jimmy jog to the thirteenth hole.)
Ricky: So all we have to is-
Jimmy: -pull the flag out of the hole!
Ricky: This is gonna be cake! (the ground in front of them starts to move) I have a bad feeling about this one. (In front of them, the dirt and sod rises, forming a monster.)
Jimmy: It’s a monster made entirely of grass! (Both scream wildly)

(On his own, Crash runs toward the clubhouse.)
Crash: Cherry soda cherry soda. (He trips, near him is a hole which strange noises come from) What the…? (suddenly Crash is attacked by a pack of fuzzy ground critters resembling tribbles, which attach to him like leeches) Waaaa!! Get these beavers off of me!

(Back to the tree-chasers)
MCBC: Give me a boost Eaglebones.
Eaglebones: Yeah. (He struggles to lift the Commander)
MCBC: Come on Eaglebones, quit messing around.
(As they teeter, the tree smacks them and they fall down)
MCBC: (coughs) I swallowed the ribbon. (The tree runs away) Whoa!!

(On a bridge a couple chitchats.)
Woman: Do you golf here often?
Posh man: I should; I own the place. (Laughs annoyingly)
Crash: (comes running past them, jumps/falls in the water, and the critters let go) Yes!

Uberchaun: He might win. I have to stop him. (He brandishes a large pair of scissors)

(Commander and Eaglebones chase the tree until it finally stops.)
MCBC: Finally. Whoa! (the tree attacks them and strikes MCBC squarely in the chest causing him to spit out the ribbon) Hey I got the ribbon. (the tree continue striking him) Oh! AH! Eaglebones help! Help me! Ow ow!
Eaglebones: That’s it! I SUMMON THE DUDE!! (The Dude sequence plays) Dude, get the ribbon and tie it to the top of that tree
MCBC: The ribbon!
Eaglebones: Great work, Dude
MCBC: Wait, how did you do that?

Bat cartoon:
Lil Bat tries to burn an anthill with a magnifying lens. The ants repay him by chewing him into a skeleton.

(Meanwhile Ricky and Jimmy are getting pounded by the sod monster)
Ricky: Uhh I got grass stained!
Jimmy: Ricky! I have a plan but I need you to distract it.
(Ricky begins throwing golf balls at the monster)
Jimmy: How ’bout a hand grenade? (He turns and looks at the sod beast briefly, looking remorseful and whispers) I’m sorry.
(The sod beast explodes and they both cheer and grab the flag.)

(Crash is still en route to the clubhouse. Uberchaun floats/gloats magically nearby so Crash can hear him)
Uberchaun: Hurry Crash, time is almost up!
(Just as Crash gets to the clubhouse, the two old lady golfers from before step in front of him for the soda machine. Crash fidgets impatiently while they take their time.)
Midwest: How come they make all these dadgum kinds of soda pop nowadays. It all too confusing.
Friend: And look at the prices! In our day it was a nickel a bottle. It’s highway robbery.
Midwest: I could just sit here all day trying to decide.
Uberchaun: (laughs wickedly) Ladies first, Crash. Your time is running out.
Midwest: I think I’ll get the diet prune soda.
Crash: (muttering) Yeah yeah yeah.
Midwest: Oh phooey I seem to be a little short.
Friend: Oh let help you, dear.
Midwest: Thank you. Now what was it I was gonna get?
Crash: Prune soda!! (the ladies look at him with a shocked air) I thought I overheard you saying that you wanted a prune soda. Ma’am.
Friend: (to Midwest) Better make it two.
Midwest: (to Crash) You are so rude!
Friend: And you smell like a wet gopher!
(Crash steps to the machine and reaches in his pocket, but instead of cash he discovers a large hole)
Crash: Oh no! My coins are gone. That’s not fair.
Uberchaun: No moola, Crash? You made it all this way but you misplaced your coins. How did that happen? (Laughs and brandishes scissors) Oh Crash. See what happens when you disturb Uberchaun? You’re going to lose, Crash. You’re as good as mine!

(Uberchaun appears back where they all started with the four ‘Bats who are finished their challenges.)
Uberchaun: What kind of idiot can’t buy a simple can of cherry soda! Haha! Your pal Crash let you down.
MCBC: Ahh man. I knew I shoulda never let Crash do it by himself.

Faux-Mercial:
Slushi, slushi! Gotta have a slushi

(Back to Crash at the vending machine)
Crash: Aw! I let everybody down. I can’t do anything right. I’m just a big doofus. AHH!! (Grows) I am a big doofus! (he picks up the entire soda machine in his hand) One serry choda, coming right up! (He chucks the whole machine across the course)
Uberchaun: (sees soda machine hurtling toward them from the sky) What the? (It lands next to him) No no, Cherry soda? NOOOO!
(All five Aquabats are teleported back to the green. A trophy appears near them.)
Eaglebones: A golden trophy.
MCBC: Crash McLarson- the only person to beat an Uberchaun at his own game.
Crash: No way!
Jimmy: Good job Crash.
Crash: I did it. This is my first trophy!
MCBC: I knew you could do it Crash.
Crash: Thanks for believing in me, Commander.
MCBC: I never doubted you for one second.
Jimmy: Actually commander there were several times that I-
MCBC: Hey everybody, let’s go get slushis!
All: Yeah!

I’ve been listening to literally only the Aquabats for weeks now, and of the albums I have, I’m developing some favorite songs for whatever particular mood I’m in. (And today every song gets an exclamation.) Here they are:

Career anthem: Nerd Alert! (also Doin’ Science!)
I work in a a hospital lab. I get to play with chemicals to elicit color changes. I get to use a microscope on human cells. Is it glamorous? Is it the. most. fun thing. EVER?…no. But it sure feels like it when I’m humming these songs.

Fantastic: Waterslides!
When I want to daydream about another world, I turn to Waterslides. I can see myself drifting through the water on an undersea adventure. I guess it’s a little like the feeling I got as a child imagining I was with the Beatles in an Octopus’ Garden.

Sad or lonely: Hello Goodnight!
This song makes me feel better about facing a rough day. No matter what stuff happened, this day will never come again and I can sleep. That’s incredibly comforting.

Taking over the Enterprise: Tiny Pants!
There’s this NexGen episode called The Game where everyone is playing this game and can’t stop and it just doesn’t seem like the game could possibly be as interesting as they all find it. Then later it turns out to be a mind control device that makes them want to take over the ship. I suspect Tiny Pants may be a mind control device like that, because I have no idea why I am enjoying it so much and I just can’t stop listening to it.

Literary: The Story of Nothing!
I realized earlier today that this song reminds me of a story called The Vanishing American by Charles Beaumont. Go read a book or something!

Depressed: The Thing in (in on? ion?) The Bass Amp
I like this song. It’s kind of hard to explain why. The imagery in the song is evocative of a monster, a hidden evil, a thing- greedy, selfish, horrible and fully invisible. It’s in your head and it might seem unbelievable, but it’s there. You’re all messed up but it’s not your fault. Who are they to accuse you, they think that thing’s a lie! Depression feels very like this to me. Listening to this song makes me feel like I’m not the problem. The problem is the thing that climbs into my head at night. That thing isn’t me.

Anachronistic: Theme Song!
Ok, so here’s the guys- and mind you, over half the band is completely different to today- and they’re singing a song inviting us to come and watch their TV show like a full decade plus before said TV show existed. These guys have just always been that kind of hilarious.

Dangerous/ dangeresque: Sequence Erase!
Have I already talked about how much I love this song? I think I have. So groovy, and it makes me feel like I’m off on an adventure handling danger expertly, and with flair.

When I want to Rock: The Legend Is True!
What a great song! I almost invariably pretend I’m playing the guitar solo even though my only guitar is acoustic and I’m not talented enough to whip up a fancy solo the way Eaglebones does. This song was my first love. Yes indeeds! And to explain how that happened calls for a longer story.
So,
I’ve been a fan of homestarrunner for years now. I had heard Matt Chapman was working on a show called Yo Gabba Gabba and also The Aquabats, whatever they were. So one fine Saturday midday I turned on the TV. It was probably left on the Hub channel because I used to watch My Little Ponies while getting ready for work. I caught sight of the boys in blue and realized this was in fact The Aquabats- a show the Hub kept plugging which I never watched. However this day I kept it on long enough to see that 1)The Aquabats had a ghost problem and 2) The ghost looked kinda familiar. I left the TV on saying quietly to myself “cameo cameo cameo” and waited to see if the ghost would reappear and confirm my suspicion that it was in fact Matt Chapman, the whole time not caring much about the Aquabats themselves. Then Eaglebones walked on screen and I was hooked. I mean the man is adorable hot um decent looking? Once the episode finished I discovered we seemed to even have a bit in common. He is a lefty who plays guitar and obviously (since he figured out how to remove the ghost) interested in the spiritual side of things. Once I realized I liked Eaglebones, I knew I’d have to watch more episodes in order to see him and maybe listen to some of his music to see if I could like it. The band lineup including Eaglebones only turns up one album. It was on this album I found Legend’, which I loved immediately. To make a long story shorter than a reeeeally long story, one thing led to another and now I love all the Aquabats, Aquabats music, and various incarnations. But Legend’ was the only song of theirs I had for a while, so it’s got a very special place in my heart.

Christian: Oh yeah, look at him licking an egg. There it is. The egg.
Richard: Come on, this way. Look for it!
James: Did you scan it?
Christian: Eaglebones.
Ian: So creepy.
Richard: Mmm French fries.
James: Fries alive.
Christian: It’s a trap. Is that a little Admiral Ackbar reference?
Ian: ‘Course.
James: Absolutely.
Christian: And wasn’t that uh Brad Davis- Adventure Drums- inside of Snakey?
Ian: Yes sir.
Richard: Yeah.
Christian: Oh Brad. He’s a great man.
Chad: I wonder if you could like interpret all the like- previously on the Aquabats and understand what is really trying to be said there.
Christian: Yeah like takin’ it to an art gallery.
Ian: Use the dream journal.
(Theme song credits name them one at a time and they each chime in)
Christian: Hey I’m the MC Bat Commander.
Chad: Hey. Crash.
Richard: Ricky Fitness.
Ian: Eaglebones here.
James: Hey, I’m Jimmy the robot.
Christian: It is funny that in the previously on the Aquabats stuff there’s a- a good portion of stuff that was not on the episode previously. I think that’s funny.
Chad: That’s the point I’m trying to make. Is like,
Christian: Yeah.
Chad: How do we understand that?
Ian: Still think this is a great theme song.
Christian: It is! I think it turned out good. I like that weird overtone in the background- that (sings a couple notes) that- that you’re, you’re kind of playing in the background. You know what I’m taking about?
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: It’s like a high pitched kind of a- Hey there it is! A real concert. This was shot at the uh Glass House in Pomona with real Aquabats fans.
Ian: Home court yeah.
Christian: We love you guys. Yeah we’re playing on home court right there.
Richard: Home court advantage.
(Several of them start to talk)
Ian: Go.
James: I think that’s actually live audio too. Isn’t it?
Ian: I think s- a lot of it is.
Christian: Uhhh a lot of it.
James: Most of it is. That is a pretty rare uh event for an Aquabats uh, situation.
Christian: Yeah recording live.
James: A live reco- There’s virtually no re- like published live recordings.
Richard: Shred- shred that geetar.
Christian: You were shredding right there. This is pretty close to live right here.
Several of them: (mimicking the episode) Wha, what? What?
Ian: Hits too close to home.
Christian: (mimicking the episode) Get outta the way!
James: Sometimes there’s an Aquabat sticker on the kickdrum. Sometimes there’s not.
Christian: Yeah I noticed that. So some of this stuff we shot during the day; for the close ups. And then later on that night we, we shot it all with the kids there. Right?
James: Yup.
Christian: And this is uh Matt Chapman- our friend Matt Chapman-
Ian: It’s the first one he directed right?
Christian: Matt and Mike Chapman first- his first episode he directed. Look at that guy with the like- Hey there’s Remo. Look at Remo. That guy with the green costume on from the very first Aquabats record. He prolly got that off eBay. During one of our dark periods.
(They all laugh)
Ian: I need money.
Chad: Can we see the bouncer inside the door right there?
Christian: Yeah that’s Finau isn’t it?
Chad: And this is at our soundstage right?
Christian: Yeah this is our soundstage in the heart of beautiful Santa Anna.
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: So inside that door- inside that metal door is the inside of the battletram.
Ian: Yeah.
Chad: And there’s like a cheerleading camp next door.
Christian: Yeah right next door.
Chad: Practice.
Ian: Ok roll sound AND-
Christian: Cheerleaders. That’s right. The cheerleading camp was very noisy. “What the wha”, that became one of our most favorite lines.
Ian: I love that one.
Christian: And there’s Lucy, Lucy Mitchell right there with the sweatshirt on.
Ian: We have some interns and people as extras and
Chad: Yeah, Amber- Amber Frakes.
Christian: And there’s uh Dennis, our friend Dennis is with the CD and Chase is back there and the- Hey look there’s our friend Jon. So creepy.
James: Oh come on.
Christian: He did a great job. Yeah this is in the middle of the night right? I mean-
Chad: That was the night we had fried chicken.
Richard: Yeah.
Chad: Fried chicken and meatloaf at four in the morning. It’s a great idea.
Richard: That’ll knock em’ out.
Christian: There’s A- that girl Asia she was one of our interns on the show. With the glasses. (mimicking episode) Bro. Jon did a great job.
Ian: So this is actually someone else’s hands handing that to me right? Wasn’t that like- On the turnaround I think it was like Partida in that cloak.
Christian: Yeah. (Mimicking episode) See ya guys. So this is uh. Whoa Eaglebones. That’s, that’s rude. (Listens) Whoa. What? And here’s our uh- Is this our second try or our third try that we blew up the garbage can?
Ian: I don’t know but at least we got to throw the dummy.
Christian: Yeah. We gotta come up with a name for the dummy. Oh! Warren Fitzgerald. Look at him.
Ian: From the Vandals.
Christian: (giggling) Look at him. Good old Warren. That’s a good line Ricky. Yeah. (referring to Eagleclaw) This part wa- he just kinda did that it was sooo good. There’s that fake dirt on the side of the battletram.
Richard: It’s walnut dust.
Christian: Is it? That’s what it is- walnut dust?
Richard: Uh huh.
Ian: Good scoring, ricky
Christian: Yeah. This is like my, I think my favorite scoring that we did this season. Done by uh-
Richard: Jimmy the Robot and…
(All talking over one another)
Christian: Jimmy the Robot and Ricky Fitness scored this whole episode.
Chad: Robot doing the Robot.
Ian: Crash drinking.
Christian: Robot doing the robot still. I like you’re ‘I’m going’ backpack.
Ian: It’s a weird backpack.
Christian: We should’ve just used a bamboo stick and a bandana. That would’ve been better.
Ian: Hobo bag.
Christian: Yeah hobo bag would’ve been good.
James: Bindle.
Christian: I love the word hobo. Did you just say ‘bindle’?
James: Yeah that’s what it is.
Christian: Hobo bindle? This scene was a lot longer and we we cut it all down right?
One of them: Oh yeah.
Christian: There was a lot more dialogue that was goofy.
Ian: Love that I was packing a bowling shoe.
Christian: So my voice is kinda scratchy from the show we played previously. Hear how scratchy it is?
Ian: Oh.
Christian: One of our editors said he lost all his respect for the ‘Bat Commander after I said that line. And I was like-
James: Took that long?
Richard: Why?
Christian: He’s like, “You know, the ‘Bat Commander! He’s so tough and macho.” I’m like, “With his moustache?”
Richard: Let me guess who that was.
Christian: Rocko! This is a great cartoon in a cup.
Ian: Did I not come back for the keys? Did they, that get cut? (talking about the keys to the motorcycle)
Christian: Uhhh, I don’t know. I think, yeah.
Chad: It must’ve.
Christian: Yeah so-
Ian: The keys were on the table when I left and then that last shot they were gone.
Christian: Yeah you came back and got your keys. So we, yeah, we had to cut that part out. This is mind jail.
James: It’s what I always figured it would look like.
Christian: Yeah. There’s Mooncheese, getting it. And here’s some weird- what? What were you gonna say, Crash?
Chad: I was gonna say, how come uh,
Ian: (mimicking episode) The trouble multiplies! I love that line.
(From episode: Ricky! Help me outta these straps!)
Christian: Famous stars’n’straps? (giggling) Sorry. I had to say it. Oh look! You just happened to have dangerous bees. In your belt.
James: Pretty convenient.
Richard: Always. Never leave home without ’em.
Ian: Love that the space bees know not to attack us.
Richard: I really like the way we look as cartoons.
Christian: I like that the space bees look like pollen in the background. It just looks like-
Ian: Fog?
Christian: Dirt fog. Low budget animation; that’s what you get. (Mimicking episode) …saw the movie Star Wars.
Ian: The second Star Wars reference this episode?
Christian: There has to be a Star Wars reference in every episode and Star Trek.
Ian: We’ve got some power stances there.
Christian: Yeah. Look at those. Uh oh. Tentacle.
Richard: Mm hmm.
Christian: Ricky. What’s going on with your arms, Ricky? Ohhhh….
James: Just missed.
One of them: (makes a clicking noise with his tongue)
Christian: That was as ‘Japanese cartoon’ as they could get. I- I love the, the art that- the illustration of us looks really cool.
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: How’s the detail in the brain?
James: It’s so good.
Christian: Brain case.
James: Brain bubble.
Christian: It’s like-
Chad: I just like how they captured my eyebrows.
Christian: Of course!
Ian: Big and bushy.
Christian: Those things are wild. They’re hard to tame. Every cartoon is hilarious.
Chad: Had to get a special eyebrow stylist.
Christian: (laughing) Is that what happened?
Chad: Yeah. That’s what all our money went to.
Richard: She came with a weedwhacker.
Christian: You should perm that thing.
Chad: No way man.
Christian: Get curly eyebrows.
Chad: Naw, just blowdry em’ and-
Christian: Look at- look at Eaglebones right here.
Several of them: So,
Christian: So uh, who did we write this song with? Is this uh-
Ian: This is a Matt Gorney one.
Christian: Matt Gorney.
Richard: Matt Gorney, Gorney, Gorney.
Christian: And I think uh,
Chad: Brad, right?
Christian: Brad maybe? Look at Warren.
James: Hobo Warren.
Christian: Hobo in the sky keep on turnin’ right there. That- that motorcycle is so awesome. It was like a 80’s motorcycle that we, I think we rented it. Or did we buy it? ‘Cuz didn’t-Ian: I don’t know.
Christian: Didn’t they blow it up?
Ian: How- we did- yeah we did blow it up. I love it that it goes to like, the radio on the motorcycle.
Christian: (laughing) Yeah there’s a radio on the motorcycle.
Ian: That was actually a longer shot too. I did a whole thing where I soloed on the- on the bike. That got cut.
Christian: Yeah. This scene was longer as well. We cut it down.
Chad: The costume is amazing.
Christian: Ah, so good. So we based the costume a little bit on this character that used to be on Buck Rogers. That was called like- Hawkman or Hawk.
Chad: So was he supposed to do the like thing-
Christian: No I think that was all him. Like, he came up with it. We wanted to have him do like something…like Kung Fu-ey. But, Jon brought so much to this character, like,
Ian: Yeah.
Several of them: Look!
Ian: The fox!
Christian: Look, the fox! I saw him.
Chad: And you know, my favorite line got cut on this too. With the ice cream.
Ian: Love the freeze frame.
Chad: When, when Eaglebones says ‘I didn’t even like that girl OR that ice cream.’
Christian: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Chad: I don’t know why they cut that. That’s such a great line!
Christian: Yeah, I think it’s just time. What’s sad about every episode is that they have to be a specific time and we end up shooting so much stuff that a lot of it gets cut out.
(They all start to talk over each other)
Ian: (mimicking episode) NOOOOOO!!!
Chad: Could you add, could you add that line in Eaglebones right now?-
Christian: Those kids were good.
Chad: -so the kids get it?
Christian: Autumn Escalante was so cute, that girl.
James: I like that name.
Christian: (Whispers) Autumn Escalante.
Ian: OR that ice cream.
Christian: It just sounds like a cute girl doesn’t it?
Richard: So funny.
Christian: How was that, uh, brown wetsuit with like, plastic sewed onto it? I think-
Chad: I’m sure that was comfortable in a hundred degree weather.
Christian: Our- Brand-
Ian: Actually we were filming at night. It got a little chilly there, so he’s probably alright.
Christian: -Brandon Bird and I went and kinda came up with the idea for the costume, but the execution was a little different than we’d pictured, but,
Ian: Supposed to look like he made it himself right? With his claws?
Richard: The headpiece-
Christian: Oh man. The headpiece is great.
Richard: That headpiece is amazing.
Christian: And the claws. That’s Scott Johnson again. And Jurgen. Jurgen Ferguson- Alex Ferguson. Those guys are great. The- this part turned out really good too.
Ian: Yeah, epic.
Christian: This is our first, like uh guitar kinda laser episode really. I mean we, I guess we had one the first episode, but this turned out super good.
Ian: Yesss.
Christian: With the-
Chad: And then you really blew up the motorcycle.
Christian: Yeah.
Chad: That was good.
Christian: The craziest thing about ex- like, explosives and stuff- especially in California- is you have to have like a fleet of firemen there like-
James: Watching?
Christian: Yeah exactly. Watching and eating all the food.
James: Eating-
Christian: And getting paid a ton of money.
James: Hangin’ out at crafty.
Ian: I like how Heder like whips up the tornado- aw, they cut it down!
Christian: Yeah it got trimmed.
Ian: Ok so they actually, the props department actually cut up a real guitar there. I was SO bummed, cuz’ they coulda just taken four screws and taken the neck off of it. They actually cut the headstock off these guitars that Fender made ‘specially for us.
Christian: Look at that shot with the moon over his shoulder. It’s pretty rad. Yeah I know we, we only had- didn’t we only have two?
(Talking over each other)
Ian: We had two of ’em for camera.
Christian: We had two guitars and,
Ian: And they destroyed one.
Christian: one of ’em got destroyed.
James: Yeah, third episode.
Chad: And we only had one extra helmet too. And they cut that up too.
(Laughter)
Christian: Hey I really like this one, uh, I like that the bat- Little Bat’s like, kind of morphed during the season. And uh, the earlier one was a lot cleaner and this one kinda got more,
Ian: Tom and Jerry or-?
Christian: like sketchy? Like see how it kinda flickers, like it’s hand drawn?
Ian: Oh.
Christian: I- I like that a lot better. It kind of is indicative of what we were trying, trying to do with Little Bat is like the old school Pink Panther cartoon. Sorta like-
Richard: Yeah.
Christian: To- uh like uh Rocky and Bullwinkle like really ske- like re-really uh, you know um, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Ian: Hand-drawn.
Christian: Hand-drawn and and and simple.
Ian: That was like the lo- the lost shot; opening the eyes.
Christian: Alright how’s this part right here. That’s all Joel Fox’s sky time-lapse and glitter right there. And Christopher Doulgeris worked on this too, right?
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: Christopher. Ladies and gentlemen, Lou Diamond Phillips.
Richard: Yeah.
Ian: Yeah!
(They applaud)
Christian: (quietly) Golf clap. (Normal volume) He was so great. He was such a great guy.
Ian: He was!
Richard: Awesome.
Ian: One of the coolest guys.
Christian: (chuckling) Oh he was so good.
Chad: I know, I hate to even talk over this part.
Christian: Yeah, because it’s so good.
(Laughter)
Christian: He came in and shot all this on the greenscreen in our set. Um and uh-
Chad: He was stoked that like Ian was layin’ on the ground talking to him instead of having to like, speak to a green X.
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: Are you actually laying on the ground, Eaglebones?
Ian: Yeah. Yeah yeah.
Christian: Oh there’s that glove.
Ian: I suffer for my craft.
Christian: Whoa, look at those stars.
Ian: It was kinda tough though cuz’ I’m giving all my lines into the real sun right here.
Christian: Right right.
Ian: Trying to keep my eyes open. (Referring to camera cuts) That’s a, a Matt Chapman punch-up.
Christian: Yeah, yup. Matt Chapman- he brought so much to this episode too. It’s a little different than the, like first two episodes cuz’ it’s a little more wacky I think? This one? Like right, right here, gets kinda wacky.
(Laughter) Yeah and this is all him riffing right here. This is Lou Diamond just going off.
Ian: Just doing what he does.
Christian: Yeah.
Ian: Yup.
Christian: There it is. The first appearance of The Dude right there.
Richard: Yeah.
Christian: That’s heavy heavy metal right there. Snap cut. (Makes clicking with the tongue to accompany Eaglebones winking. The others laugh.)
Richard: That’s awesome.
Christian: That guy is great.
Ian: So that was a mixture of practical AND greenscreen.
Christian: Right.
Ian: For me. Uh,
Christian: Yes.
Richard: (mimicking the Faux-Mercial) I can’t even dance!
Christian: So you can have teenagers’ pants fall off, but just make sure you’re wearing your seatbelt. (Laughs) How’s this old man right here? (Mimicking episode) Whhaaat? This is Julianne Eggold again. Julianne-
Ian: Just killin’ it.
Christian: -bringin’ it. So a lot of these commercials we didn’t really have budget for and Julianne just went out and shot em’ for, for free and with friends she knew. And they turned out so good.
Ian: Is that the Huntington Pier there?
Christian: Huntington Beach Pier. And that’s a commercial that just was free of charge.
Richard: (mimicking episode) Doo doo doot do.
Christian: Julianne’s great.
James: I like this elevator music.
Ian: I love that you guys haven’t moved since I left. A whole day.
Richard: Two days.
Ian: Yeah t-
Christian: Awful. You can still hear, hear it in my voice it’s scratchy from the concert we played two nights ago for reals.
Ian: So I actually laid down and rolled around on the ground and that leaf just got stuck in my hair so I left it.
Christian: Really?
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: You probly had a lot of hairspray in your hair too. Man. Look at those things, Crash; those eyebrows, man. Those things are going off.
Chad: They’re starring in the episode.
Christian: Look at that, Ricky looking-
Ian: Ricky’s afraid of-
Christian and Ian: Fairies!
Christian: Ricky looking for fairies right there. Hold on!
(Some words get lost here as they talk over one another)
Chad: E- Eagle.
Christian: Listen to this: sensitive music written by uh, Jimmy and Ricky right here.
Richard: Yup. (Mimicking episode) Sing songs and stuff?
Christian: I lost all Rocko’s respect with that line.
Ian: Right there.
James: Once again!
Christian: Suddenly I was less macho.
Richard: I strip you of your superhero powers.
Chad: I don’t know, that dance is pretty macho. I dunno how you could say that wasn’t.
Christian: I was excited. Can we get a new one? And so then we called Fender to send some more and then what hap-
Ian: They, they showed up like after the season was wrapped filming. Like the week after it was done, “Here’s a couple more!”
Christian: Yeah we’ll get right on it.
Ian: Thank you though. We, we used em’ for second season.
Christian: Yeah thank you. Yup. So here’s uh, a scene we shot at a park. That we shot-
Several of them: Every episode at!
Christian: And there’s the actual uh Ferris wheel that works.
Chad: If you could look to the right you could see a pond that was used in Uberchaun.
Christian: Uberchaun yeah. Where you jump- you jumped in the pond.
Chad: But you can’t. see it. so…
Ian: The Eagle Flats are actually just over on the other side of that fence.
Christian: Yeah where we shot,
James: Every episode.
Christian: This is a ranch called Oak Canyon Ranch up in uh Irvine, California that we shot everything… Jon Heder was so good. He was just a great guy and really cool and-
(From episode: It doesn’t have to be like this, Eagleclaw.)
Christian: It doesn’t.
Richard: You’re in trouble now.
Christian: Wait. Hold on. Don’t invite anyone else to our party! (Laughter) Alright, this part turned out really good too.
Ian: So I did both guitars and I tried to make em’ sound a little different.
Christian: Yeah.
Richard: That’s right.
Christian: So you played uh-
Ian: Did like a more metal guitar for Eagleclaw and more like, little more like rock/surf-y
Richard: Didn’t we do this at like, three in the morning too?
Ian: Oh yeah.
Richard: Like, we were recording this. Oh man.
Christian: Look at Ricky.
Richard: Oh feeling it!
Christian: Feeling it!
Ian: Yeah!
Christian: I was having some trouble hitting some of those high notes in this song, I’m not gonna lie guys. Ohhh! (Laughing) Lookit Crash’s strap. Did you see that?
Chad: Oh is it gone?
Christian: Your s- your strap fell off it was like- dangling on the ground. It- just like we play live.
Chad: It’s weird yeah, it never happens live.
Christian: Uh oh. Jimmy. And down.
James: Kerplop.
Richard: (mimicking episode) Byoo byoo byoo! I love that part.
Christian: That’s pretty funny.
Ian: Oh!
Christian: So, stunts: this part really hurt. So right here they hit me, and then I ran to the spot far away and I just jumped onto my back. Yeah it doesn’t uh…it really hurt. (Laughs)
Chad: (mumbles something)
Christian: (mimicking episode) I got one left. That’s right. Summon that Dude.
Ian: Never gets old.
Christian: Naw! Well… (Laughter) It’s, it’s starting to like- get along. Look at that! Scratching…I love that.
Ian: Yeah. Didn’t we just add this extra little bit to it right here?
Christian: Which one?
Ian: (hums)
Christian: Yeah that’s- And so this part is a huge waste cuz’ like, our camera was framed for that explosion super close, but I was watching it from way far away and that fireball went like twenty feet in the air.
Richard: Mushroom cloud.
Christian: It was a mushroom cloud and like, they blew up the guitar it looked so awesome but then like that scene like (snapping fingers) it just
Ian: Out of frame-
Christian: It goes by soo fast. Yeah. Oh. We gotta bring Jon back. We gotta, we need a petition, guys. To bring back Eagleclaw in, in season next.
Chad: Season two.
Christian: Season two or three. Or four!
Ian: Hey, why not five or six?
Christian: So this is uh, once again the Commander being a jerk making fun of somebody.
Ian: Well you guys never saw the bird. You can’t see him so,
Christian: Yeah
Ian: That’s understandable.
Christian: It is funny the Aquabats, we don’t believe you that you have it but somehow it always worked out. (Mimicking episode) Seriously. Ricky you’re like really into that.
Richard: Oh, it was funny. Look at it- AWK AWK AWK!
(Laughter)
Christian: You’re doing- What! Have you heard?
Ian: That’s called improv.
Christian: Doin’ the bird. Look at Lou Diamond Phillips, guys. Eagleclaw! Way to go. Eaglebones, guys! Let’s hear it for Eaglebones!
(They all clap as the credits roll)
Ian: Yeah.
Richard: Yeah.
Christian: Matt Chapman! Matt Chapman…genius. And, uh that episode turned out great.
Ian: That was kind of Gorney’s story idea, right.
Christian: I think- Uhhhhh… I think yeah Matt and Dallas worked on that uh, early on and then uh, then um Matt Chapman came in and helped write it and direct it and turned out good. And then Jason Devilliers of course and Rocko pulling together the edit looked really really good.
Ian: Yeah.
Christian: So.

I just finished transcribing the commentary for Eagleclaw!. It took forever, so right now it’s gonna be the only one. Hope somebody out there appreciates this someday.

Previously on the Aquabats! Supershow!:
Mostly shots of them screaming.

Somewhere, in the depths of a coal mine…

Ricky: (whispering) Did they tell ya what it looks like?
MCBC: No they just said that it was real big, and real ugly.
(A giant hideous creature with gnawy rodent teeth appears around a corner and screeches at them. They all run outside to escape, screaming loudly the entire time. MCBC uses a stick of dynamite to seal the mine entrance. After a moment, The Aquabats cheer.)
MCBC: Good thing that dynamite was there.
Miner: That’s all you’re gonna do? What about the monster in our mine??
MCBC: No need to worry. The mine is sealed. So you’re all safe.
Miner: You were supposed to get that thing out. We work in there!
MCBC: Well. You better look for a new job my friend. To get that giant mole rat out, you’d have to be real stupid or real dumb. (Miner gives him an annoyed look) Alright. (He looks sheepish and they leave)

(Back on board the battletram)
MCBC: Those miners got pretty mad… Look, if they didn’t want people to use their dynamite they shouldn’t leave it laying around.
Jimmy: They weren’t mad about the dynamite, Commander. They were mad because you made the problem worse.
MCBC: What are you suggesting robot?
Jimmy: Just that you may want to plan before you make decisions.
MCBC: Planning takes time that men of action don’t have. Being quick on your feet and making split-second decisions- that’s what makes a true leader.
Eaglebones: Here we go again.
(Sings a song- Just Winging It- while inside a strange cartoon montage)
MCBC: Jimmy, why have we stopped?
Jimmy: Because we’re out of gas, Commander.
MCBC: See, Jimmy? Planning can’t solve all our problems.

(The Aquabats all trudge slowly through the desert. Crash carries gas cans on a long pole over his shoulders.)
Eaglebones: Water. Need water
MCBC: Eaglebones, no man, don’t give up. I got ya, I got ya man.
Ricky: Look we’re saved! (points at a town in the distance)

FauxMercial: Lil bat cartoon player- Not for use in direct sunlight!

(The Aquabats arrive in the town they spotted.)
MCBC: Wow this looks just like a town from the old west. (Eaglebones is so thirsty he coughs out dust.) There’s got to be a saloon around here somewhere. There! Aquabats go!
(They all walk slowly inside.)
MCBC: Water. Cold water.
(The bartender hands them glasses of brownish water, which they all drink except Ricky, who eyes his suspiciously. A man with a gun enters behind them.)
Man: Well well well. What do we have here? Strangers! You all ain’t welcome here.
MCBC: Well theyn maybe it’s time for a showdown. (Laughs to himself)
(The man shoots the glass in MCBC’s hand)
Man: Boys. You either real stupid or real dumb.
MCBC: Listen pardner, we don’t want any trouble. We just need some water and some gas and then we’ll be on our merry way.
Man: You ain’t going nowhere. (Flashes a sheriff’s badge) Y’all under arrest.
All: (muttering) Huh? Arrest? What for?
Sheriff: (to townsfolk) Get em’! Get em’! Get up there and get em’!
(The townsfolk attack them- in some cases seemingly reluctantly. An awesome saloon fight ensues. The sheriff’s face comes off after he is hit by a chair.)
Sheriff: What are you all looking at?
Crash: Your crazy robot face!
(The sheriff pull the moustache off the human mask he’d been wearing and sticks it in approximately the right place on his…crazy robot face.)
Sheriff: You’re gonna pay for that. Yeehaw! (Shoots ‘Bat Commander on the ‘A’ emblem on his chest. He continues shooting up he place until Eaglebones jumps in to try and stop him)
Eaglebones: Hold on! I’m outta tune.
Sheriff: Well ain’t that just too bad. Hands up varmints!

(MCBC awakens in jail)
MCBC: (touching his chest injury) Burns, it burns!
Sheriff: Rise and shine, yellow belly. Now take a look down yonder at yer friends.
MCBC: You, you coward! robot! face!
Sheriff: Big words for a little man in a cage.
MCBC: You better let my friends go, right now!
Sheriff: How bout this, I’m gonna hang your friends for fightin’ in my town. And then I’m gonna hang you for making me angry.
(Left alone, MCBC tries kicking the door down and fails.)
MCBC: If I could just reach those keys.
(He can’t reach the keys. At all. They are like ten feet away.)

(Outside, the other ‘Bats stand with nooses around their necks.)
Sheriff: Morning boys. It’s a real shame.

(Bat Commander spots some kids who have snuck inside to help him.)
MCBC: Hey, hey the keys! Thanks little homies.
Girl: Here’s some ointment for your burn.
MCBC: Uh. It’s so stinky.
Girl: I’ll help your burn feel better.
MCBC: Thanks little brodeos.
Boy: Wait!
Girl: Shhhh!
Boy: Aren’t you gonna make a plan or something? We need your help. People try to escape all the time but no one ever makes it.
MCBC: You’re right I do need a plan. I’ve got one! (MCBC throws the ointment down, breaking it, and runs out the door. He screams and charges the Sheriff who fires on him, missing. Jimmy uses the distraction to free the others with his laser finger and they all run off back into the desert.)
Ricky: What’s that sheriffs problem?
MCBC: I don’t know. But I could sure use a glass of water. And maybe some more of that soothing ointment.
Ricky: I don’t think that’s ointment.
Eaglebones: I hear the vulture’s cry and the wind is hot. Without water or gas, we’ll only last a couple of hours.
MCBC: Wait look!
Crash: Cars!
MCBC: If one of those cars still has gas, we can fill the battletram.
All: Yeah!
Crash: (searching the cars) Food! A cheese ball!
Eaglebones: Everyone! Come quickly!
Look! It’s a cartoon!!

It’s a cartoon:
Narrator: When we last left the Aquabats they were desperately searching for Jimmy the robot inside a collapsing underwater city deep beneath the surface of the mooooon- (narrator breathes in, once, heavily) can they find him before it’s too late?
Crash: I see Jimmy!
Narrator: I guess so.
All: We gotta get him!
Crash: I’m coming robot buddy!
Narrator: Crash fires himself into the water and grows to supersize. Chompers. (Crash picks up Jimmy by carrying him in his mouth. He then spits him inside the submarine.) Eww, wet dog smell.
MCBC: Jimmy! Wake up. Please robot friend wake up.
Narrator: A robomalfunction?
MCBC: Ricky, I need batteries quick.
Ricky: Right! I’m on it!
Narrator: Double A’s!!
Jimmy: (speaks in female automated sounding voice) Aquabat android. Jimmy. All systems on. Running systems check.
MCBC: Aquabats, back to that cave. We’ve gotta get off the moon!
Narrator: The Aquabats race to the surface just before the city crumbles around them. But they’re not safe yet. The collapsing underwater city causes a massive cave-in.
MCBC: Now, how do we get out of here?
Eaglebones: Commander. Look! An exit sign!
MCBC: Right!
(They all run to the exit sign except Jimmy who walks very slowly.)
Narrator: What is wrong with Jimmy the Robot? Can the Aquabats find a way to fix him and escape the moon? I’m guessing- maybe? Tune in to the next episode!

(Back to the cars in the parking lot.)
Jimmy: Hey commander! I found something. I don’t think the people in that western town were western at all.
MCBC: (read) Take a trip to the past. Visit an authentic ‘Old Western’ movie set and meet the first cowboy android used in he film Cowboy Androids.
Ricky: Hey that was a good movie.
(Crash and Ricky, apparently both fans of the film, sing a rendition of the theme song.)
MCBC. Wait. So those townsfolk are really just tourists-
Jimmy: held against their will by that-
All: -cowboy android!
Crash: So you’re saying he’s some kinda robot?
Jimmy: Yes, Crash, he’s an android. The desert heat must have short-circuited his wiring, turning him to pure evil.
MCBC: Then there’s not a moment to lose. Aquabats, let’s go!
Eaglebones: Commander, wait. We can’t go back there without a good plan.
Jimmy: He’s right Commander. It was your lack of planning that got us here.
MCBC: What lack of planning? (He looks at each Aquabat in turn) Crash? Ricky?
Ricky: Don’t look at me.
MCBC: Fine! (He walks away for just a moment, walks back, takes the cheese ball from Crash, and walks away again.)
Crash: Hey! My cheese ball!
Ricky: I think we hurt his feelings.
Crash: Well he hurt my feelings. When he took my cheese ball!
Ricky: He’s coming back right?
Eeaglebones: I don’t know. But we better make our own plan. Just in case he doesn’t.

(Off on his own, MCBC looks at cheese ball and has an idea. Takes off running)

(Ricky enters the main street and tries to stare down the sheriff.)
Ricky: Sheriff. Let the townspeople go.
Sheriff: Don’t make me laugh, Gringo. Hahaha! You’re a dead man, Gringo.
Ricky: If you’re gonna shoot me you better aim for the heart.
Sheriff: No problem. Yeeehaw!
(The sheriff shoots Ricky squarely in the chest. Ricky pulls aside his poncho, revealing a hubcap which has acted as armor)
Sheriff:You’re gonna pay for that!
(All the Aquabats enter with hub caps. Crash is covered with about ten of them. The Sheriff takes aim and hits Crash)
Crash: Oww! He got my shoe!
Sheriff: One down. Three to go. Come on, Gringo.
(Ricky rushes him with hub shield, but is knocked over before he can get to the sheriff. Eaglebones tries lasering the sheriff but it’s not enough. Jimmy uses his lasers but the sheriff just won’t go down.)
Sheriff: You’re gonna pay for that!
(MCBC appears charging in, followed by our old friend, the flying mole rat. He sticks the cheese on the sheriff’s vest. The mole rat pulls him to pieces, eats the cheese and flies away. They all gather round the broken android. The little girl from earlier takes the moustache.)
Girl: Awesome!

Crash: Commander you did it!
Ricky: How’d you know the mole rat would follow the cheese?
MCBC: Because Ricky, everyone loves cheese balls.

Old Timer: Thanks the Aqu’bats! I’m free. I can finally go back and work in the mines. (Coughs)
MCBC: Get along little doggie. What is it robot?
Jimmy: We should’ve asked for ride.
Eaglebones: And some gas.
MCBC: Don’t worry Aquabats. This time I’ve got a plan. (Starts walking away)
Ricky: Do you think his plan is to walk through the desert?
Eaglebones: Yes Ricky. I think it is.