So yeah. I was really angry with Ian. I was upset because of a tweet that suggested some bullshit about the universe helping you when you really want something. It really bugs me when lucky, well-off, happy people indicate that happiness is easy. As a person who gets depressed I take issue with the idea I could choose to be happier. Because damnit I’ve tried. As a person who feels hurt at the world’s pain and sadness I take issue with the idea that a positive outlook is all you need. And I was having a really really bad day that didn’t feel much like the universe helping me. So I said how pissed I was. And now I’ve taken it down. Because well, I actually barely know the tweeter. And I suppose spreading hurt by lashing out in anger is rather problematic. No one ever visits this blog, but I’m sharing the address again soon, so I’m making it somewhat presentable. This post is a placeholder in case someone somewhere read the first post. Sorry. I’m still practicing love.

At first it was just an understated commotion- low rumblings and the noise of moving feet. Then, as fear set in, the screams began. Shrieks rent the air now thick with smoke and steam. People ran to and fro helplessly, trying to escape- what? The screams continued. The smoke and fire and fear, and now waves- salt water drenched him and he cried out-

The Commander flung himself upright in bed, a cry strangling in his throat. Getting ahold of himself he realized he had been dreaming.
“You ok, Commander?” asked Eaglebones. The guitarist had risen from his bunk beneath MC Bat Commander’s own and peered at his friend’s face in the near darkness. “You had the dream again didn’t you? Anything I can do?”
“No. No, I’m fine, Bones. It’s alright. Go back to bed.” Eaglebones placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder and regarded him sympathetically for a moment before turning and climbing back into his bunk. The Commander lay back down and tried to relax. It was always the same- his dream. He saw fire, tasted smoke; the noise, the screaming, always returned to him. Like some resilient weed whose root wouldn’t die, it came back to push its thorny fingers into him.

The first time it happened he’d woken all of them with yelling. They’d prodded him about the details, seemingly curious about something that could frighten their Commander so much. In retrospect the fear made very little sense. Nothing in the dream stood out as particularly scary. A fire, the ocean, vague sounds of fear- none of these should have held power over him. After all, the Aquabats frequently faced more hideous kinds of peril. Yet in the nightmare universe, fear didn’t have to make sense. In the end it was only a dream. Except that it turned out the dream was no simple one-time occurrence. The nightmare taunted him, returning again and again. After the first few times the others got used to it. But the Commander would never get used to that feeling. He didn’t share with the others how terrified the dream always left him.

Life continued as usual. Foes and gigs came and went. They rescued others (but mainly themselves) and sang their songs, always hopeful, always excited for the future. On the face of it, the Commander was optimistic, but in the deep secret recesses of his heart he felt the dream tug at him. He wanted answers. He had none. Late one night he and Eaglebones were clearing up the lab with Jimmy. A protracted battle with a particularly destructive enemy had made a shambles of the place. Bones held the dustpan, while Jimmy swept fragments of glass into it. “Thank you Eaglebones. That should just about,- about,- about,-” the Robot began stuttering as his speech mechanism glitched. Eaglebones reached over and gave his twitching friend a sharp tap on the noggin to free him from the repetitive loop. “Thank you.” Jimmy said at last. “It’s probably my battery. I should recharge…” “Go on,” said the Commander. “Bones and I can finish the rest.” Jimmy stepped into his recharge station and powered down. The Commander and Eaglebones worked together, sweeping and righting furniture. After they’d finished they sat on the floor resting with outstretched legs. It had been a long day. Wanting to talk, the Commander began slowly. “There’s something really been bothering me…”
“Your back again?”
“No. Not that. I mean that dream. You know, the one I always have. I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, man.” The Commander had wavered a long time on whether to speak at all. He knew he couldn’t share with Crash, or Ricky, or Jimmy. Ricky and Crash looked up to him too much. And dreaming wouldn’t make sense to Jimmy. Eaglebones was someone the Commander relied on to step up when he was in the line of fire. Eaglebones was the right person to go to, if anyone was.
“I don’t know…Maybe I’m crazy to let it bother me as much as it does. But I’d appreciate another perspective. Tell me what you make of it, Eaglebones.”
Bones leaned forward in an attitude of listening.
“In my dream, I’m in a bed, only it’s not a bed, it’s like a boat or a swing or something. And I’m sleeping, but there’s sounds going on around me. Like a panic. I can hear shouts and smell smoke. Then it keeps getting louder and people are- screaming and waves are splashing me. The entire time the screams just keep getting louder and more terrifying. But sometimes at the very end it’s. Different.”
“Different how?”
“The screams keep right on going, but I hear music near me, real close by.”
“Music?”
“Yes. It’s quiet and just barely audible. But it’s there. Do you think that’s why I wanted to form a band? Is the dream telling me music is the answer? Music is what will get me through- anything?”
“Maybe,” said Bones thoughtfully. After a moment he said, “Commander? Why is getting to the bottom of this so important to you? Are you worried it makes you less of a leader in our eyes? You should know you don’t have to worry about that. We’d follow you into anything.”

And so things went on as they always do. And a time did come when it seemed like they might not get through. The Aquabats were broke and their only hope was a big project- the salvation of the entire world. The Aquabats were in the right place at exactly the right time for once. As the giant robot body towered over the five ‘bats, four of them cowered in fear. But one knew his time had come. And he was ready. As the Bat Commander watched, what moments before appeared to be an innocent young girl turned into a giant head. It rose, competing the body unit. Bat Commander felt a strange emotion inside himself. It was…familiarity. He knew this scene- somehow. Then, time stopped. The Commander felt his heartbeat slow and his breathing halt. The letter ‘M’ was emblazoned red on the giant creature’s forehead, burning into the Commander’s eyes. Burning and blazing. Like a fire. Suddenly the Bat Commander was no longer standing on the pavement overlooking the city. He was in a hut, at night, staring out the window as fires lit the village. Smoke was everywhere. People were screaming. Where was his mother? He caught sight of her running towards the hut. She burst through the door and gathered him up in her arms. The small boat-shaped hammock in which he slept swung wildly. His mother carried a satchel slung over one arm, and now the tiny future Aquabat Commander occupied the other arm. With her free hand she tugged at her husband’s elbow. ‘Hurry’ she said. ‘Make for the canoes.’ They rushed outside and made their way to the beach. Chaos met them in their path. The village was unrecognizable. Undaunted, his mother plunged onward through the haze till they reached the shore. Others were there. Two of the most sound looking canoes were launched. As they pushed into the dark black waves he looked up in the sky. Through the smoke, he could see that which attacked them. It was large and black, with a huge white face. On its forehead was a large red ‘M’. He felt himself start sobbing and he clutched at his mother. She stroked his head and began to sing a tune, low and sweet.

Son you are my little man,
Now be silent if you can
Things that you can’t understand
Happen now in our fair land
Father, Mother gently row,
Where we go we do not know
Hope we have to see us through
All old things must now be new
Son you are my little man,
Dry your eyes and take my hand
Things that you can’t understand
Happen now in our fair land

Now he was standing on a sandy shore gazing out at sea. It was a sunny day. The waves were peaceful and the sky was bright and blue. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned. It was his mother. “Mom?” He said, astonished. “Yes dear.”
“What’s happening?”
“You’re remembering what you need to.”
“Remembering? This was real? These dreams I’ve been having were real all along?”
“Yes my son. This was our home. Aquabania.”
“Aquabania? But, but- that was just some story I made up!”
She shook her head and looked at him, smiling gently. He looked over his other shoulder and saw his father standing on his left. He looked at them; first one, then the other.
“But- I don’t understand.”
His father spoke. “You were only three when it happened. You weren’t talking much yet. You were so young- just a tiny little child, so helpless and innocent. Heck, you still put seaweed and sand in your mouth when we weren’t looking.” The Commander couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“So,” continued his mother, “we thought you were too young to remember that day on the island when-”
“When Space Monster M came.” he finished for her. Bat Commander hesitated. “He is real then. My friends! They need me! Where-?” He caught himself short as it dawned on him his location didn’t quite make sense. He didn’t belong on a nameless beach with his parents. How did he get here anyway?
“Slow down,” his father said, noticing his confusion. “You’ve only been gone an instant. We’re connecversing. We’ve been wondering if you’d show the ability.”
“The ability?”
“Most Aquabanians have mental abilities. It’s the reason we can connect to speak to you now.”
“Wait, so Aquabania is a real place- the real place I’m from? And you kept this from me?? How could you keep my own heritage a secret from me? You had no right!”
“We know.” His mother interrupted him quietly. “We made a mistake. We should have told you. We thought if you did know it might frighten you, that it might give you nightma-”
“Nightmares?”
His mother hung her head lower. “We know. It was a mistake. If we could go back and change it we would. I’m sorry my son.” The Commander bit his lip. She’d done what she thought best and had only tried to protect him. It could have been done differently, but that didn’t matter now. As angry as he was, he knew he couldn’t hold this against her. Besides, there were bigger things he needed to do.
“Mother, Dad, I have to go help my friends save the world.” His parents looked at one another. “We know. We all know.” Seven others appeared in a ring around the Commander. All were clad in aqua garments. Some he recognized as his aunts and uncles. His two parents stepped into the circle to make nine, all surrounding him, the tenth. His aunt spoke. “Confidence is M’s weakness, let it be your strength. Avenge our loss. Save the world.” Then they all spoke as one, “Go, son of Aquabania.”
The sand and sky, the Aqua-clad individuals, the calm blue day, all faded away. Space Monster M loomed overhead. And the world waited.

In the end Space Monster M was defeated. The Commander’s aunt was correct; it was confidence that was M’s undoing. And Eaglebones was also correct. The Aquabats would and did follow their Commander into anything. The fight was hard, and they were all frightened that, this time, they faced their own demise. The Bat Commander should have been more terrified than any of them. But instead he found the fear draining from him. It was replaced by resolve. He would not let the Space Monster M of his dream rule him. He would not let terror consume him. He’d been instructed by his people to do something. He would do it.

The battle with Space Monster M caused a chain of events that lasted many days, and spawned many adventures. The Aquabats dispatched every enemy they met neatly, and sometimes not so neatly. One evening some time later, they were all in the battletram’s media room taking a well-earned movie break. On screen, fires crackled and people fled in confusion just before the hero stalked in to save the day. Bat Commander smiled to himself as he stuffed popcorn into his mouth. He thought of the day he was the conqueror. His ordeal with Space Monster M had driven the nightmares away. He’d triumphed and found his own true backstory in the process. As he had these thoughts he noticed Eaglebones looking at him. “What?” He whispered in Bones’ direction. “No. Nothing.” Replied Eaglebones, looking embarrassed. “I was just thinking about the movie- the subject material…Commander? This doesn’t bother you does it? I mean, do you still have the dream? The one you told me about?”
On television, the hero was being fawned over and the end credits were rolling. The Bat Commander smiled. It was good of Bones to look out for him this way. Still smiling he answered, “No, that dream doesn’t bother me anymore. It hasn’t been back for some time. In fact I’ve been meaning to tell you- tell all of you a little story. It’s about a place called Aquabania…”

Previously on the Aquabats! Supershow!: Pretty much all of it is accurate, except for someone’s foot destroying an Aquabats cake.

Somewhere… in a junk-filled vacant lot…

Ricky: Guys I know we’re out of money. I know our credit card’s been canceled and the bank is after us. But! I have a little surprise. I’ve been saving this for our last meal together. (He pulls out a slice of pizza and roasts it on the fire.)
Bones: So tell me again how we lost all of our money?
MCBC: Ok guys I know I made a mistake. I just thought if we spent all our money on these special collectors plates we could sell them to our fans and make a ton of cash. I had no idea they’d break so easy. Besides, who would want a plate with the Aquabats on it anyway?
Ricky: I would.
MCBC: Ok. But look- look at those kids out there. They’re all wearing Super Magic Power Man tee-shirts and stuff. Now that’s a real superhero. He can fly and shoot lasts out of his eyes. He has a good lookin’ wife. She’s got super powers too.
Ricky: Lanolin lady? Oh yeah. She’s hot
Kid: (playing a short distance away) Let’s go save the earth!
Crash: We have superpowers too. (He tries to intentionally grow large but fails.) Sometimes.
MCBC: Aw come on, Crash. Let’s face it. If we were such great heroes those kids would be wearing Aquabats tee-shirts and singing our songs.
Jimmy: Perhaps people just don’t know us like they know Super Magic Power Man. After all he has saved the earth from destruction many times.
Eaglebones: That’s true. If we saved the whole planet, then more people would definitely come see us play and-
MCBC: -and buy our limited edition collectors plates! That’s it! I know how we save our band. We have to save the earth or something! But how?
Radio voice: We interrupt this radio broadcast with a special news bulletin: A mysterious giant object has appeared over Chavos ravine. Authorities are not sure where it came from but it appears be threatening the city and quite possibly the world. Please avoid the downtown area.
MCBC: You hear that Aquabats? Something’s threatening to destroy the city!
Crash: And maybe the whole world.
Eaglebones: This could be our chance to make a difference and save the earth.
Ricky: What are we waiting for?
MCBC: Aquabats-
All: let’s go!
(MCBC stays behind and monologues to his image on one of the plates.)
MCBC: Hey buddy. This is what you’ve been waiting for. This is your shot at being recognized as a true hero. It’s showtime.
(Song Showtime!)

(The battletram drives toward sirens and commotion. Police have placed barricades behind which a crowd gathers.)
Eaglebones: We must be close to whatever the mysterious giant object is.
MCBC Right, this looks pretty out of control.
(They park the battletram.)
Jimmy: What is that!?
(Four figures in silver stand beneath a giant headless robot body. The Aquabats join the crowd.)
Plaid man with chainsaw: (to MCBC) On time as usual.
MCBC: (sounding annoyed) Catboy. Chainsaw.
Catboy: (blasé) Bat Commander.
Chainsaw: (scornful) Aquabats.
MCBC: You guys can take off now. We got this one.
Chainsaw: We were here first Commander!
Catboy: Yeah back off Aquabats.
Eaglebones: (breaking up the impending fight) Look we ALL need this win. Let’s just team up and work together.
(A little girl pushes past the barrier with a handful of flowers)
Crash: Little girl! NO!
Police Officer with megaphone: Little girl, please return to the police line. Please return to safety.
(A silver figure shoots her and grabs her.)
MCBC: Ah! No!
Officer: (To his men) Hold your fire- hold your fire. Hold your fire men! Nobody hurt that little girl!

FauxMercial: Need help ’cause you dance a little gooby? Pop ‘n shocker electrode suit!

MCBC: No!
Police: Hold your fire. Hold your fire!
MCBC: This it Aquabats!
Chain: Ahem…
MCBC: This is it Aquabats and friends.
Ricky: Look!
Police: It’s Super Magic Power Man!
Ricky: and Lanolin Lady!
Military Guy: We’re saved!
Chainsaw: That’s it Catboy. Let’s get out of here.
Catboy: Yeah this party’s over. (They leave)
(Super Magic Power Man and Lanolin Lady dodge lasers and shoot three of the silver figures as the crowd cheers. LL grabs the girl and SMPM shoots the last silver figure.)
SMPM: Good people of this mighty world; be ye not distressed. For I Super Magic Power Man,
LL: and I Lanolin Lady,
SMPM: will always be here-
Both: to protect the people and save the earth!
LL: Look honey she’s waking up.
SMPM: Ok, cameras are rolling. Just keep smiling and waving.
LL: No duh.
MCBC: Well that’s it Aquabats. We better go get real jobs.
(Ricky, still watching the other Supers, cheers)
Lanolin Lady: Hello there young lady.
Little girl: What happened? Where’s my mommy?
SMPM: Do not worry young one. You are safe little girl. I am Super Magic Power Man-
LL: and I Lanolin Lady-
SMPM: and we have saved you.
Little girl: Thank you Super Magic Power Man! How’d you do it?
SMPM: Well you see I have this magic headband. It gives me magic power and strength.
Little girl: Wow. A magic headband- can I try it on?
SMPM: Well- I really- …is your hair clean? I mean uh,
(She tries it on, trains it on them and it powers up.)
SMPM: Hey that’s not supposed to happen.
(She shoots first one then the other.)
Crash: Super Magic Power Man!
Ricky: And Lanolin Lady!
(The little girl transforms into a giant floaty white face.)
White face: Your puny superhumans are gone. Who will save you now? HahaHaha! Now that I have the Super Magic Power Amulet I am finally invincible.
(He moves to become the head on the giant robot body)
White face: Now tiny humans, witness the full power of your doom. For I am space monster M, and I come to destroy your world! (The people below shriek and panic) Run! Run, tiny people of earth!! You will run. But soon you will die!
(M laughs maniacally and shoots a few buildings with lasers)
MCBC: Aquabats this is it. Let’s go save the world!
Jimmy: Commander! That giant alien machine is far too powerful for us.
MCBC: No we can do it. We have to do it! We have to believe we can do anything!
Crash: But we could die!
MCBC: Yes Crash. We could die. Just like Super Magic Power Man. He gave his life to save us all. And so did-
Ricky: Lanolin Lady!
MCBC: Think of the kids Crash. No more Super Magic Power Man. He is gone. Children are crying right now. It’s so sad!
Crash: Getting emotional!
(He grows nearly the size of M and begins pummeling him and crying.)
MCBC: We have to get that super magic power band off that thing’s head. Ricky, get the battletram ready for a fast getaway.
Ricky: I’m on it!
MCBC: Robot, Eaglebones; keep him busy. Aim for his eyes.
Eaglebones: Commander where are you going?
MCBC: It’s showtime Eaglebones.
(Eaglebones shoots M with lasers. The shocks cause Crash to fly off M and nearly collide with the tram. Jimmy adds his lasers to those from Eaglebones’ guitar.)
MCBC: Crash! Pick me up! Throw me at his face!
Crash: What?
MCBC: Throw me right at his face!
(Crash smiles and does)
M: Ahh! My eye!
MCBC: A cartoon?

Narrator: Last time the Aquabats crash-landed on the planet of the Narbarians and saved their king and queen. The Narbarians threw the ‘bats a party that may never end.
Jimmy: Commander! This dagger has special properties. We could get back home by using this magic dagger. (Uses a megaphone) Can you hear me ok?
Narrator: Eesh that hurts!
MCBC: Jimmy cool down baby. Relax, we’re partying. No rush bud.
Narrator: No time to chill Commander- giant ganglewolves! There’s too many of them.
Barbarian Man: Oh man I hate these giant ugly wolves AND their daily attacks.
MCBC: Hungry wolves? Daily attacks?
Other Barbarian Man: Every day even. Sometimes on the hour.
MCBC: Well we have remedy for that. It’s called guys get back in vehicle and don’t make a big deal about it.
Narrator: Jimmy uses the dagger and the battletram rockets away. But where has the dagger taken them?
Crash: What the- It’s the Time Sprinkler!
Time Sprinkler: Hellooo Aquabats. This dimension is under my control and so are you.
MCBC: Uh oh.
Time Sprinkler: I’m sticking you into a time loop. You will be stuck reliving the last year of your life over and over again.
MCBC: Yeah right!
Time Sprinkler: Have fun!
(The Aquabats appear at a nighttime birthday party- the same one from the beginning of the live action season opener!)
MCBC: We come to your party, we play nonstop. We play our loud music, until your ears pop-
Eaglebones: Hey- we’ve been here before!
Narrator: Are the Aquabats really stuck in a time loop, doomed to repeat the same adventures over and over again? Tune in next time to find out. Tune in next time to- AHH! It’s happening to me! Somebody help!

(M pulls the Bat Commander from his eye. Crash picks up and throws Jimmy at the back of M’s head)
M: Did you fools think you could stop me?
MCBC: (struggling) No. But, you’re ugly!
(As they banter, Jimmy slowly lasers through the band holding M’s amulet to his head.)
M: Prepare to die, tiny human!
(M startles as the amulet falls from his head. He drops MCBC. Jimmy falls also.)
M: My amulet! That have you done?
Eaglebones: I summon THE DUDE!! Fly dude fly! (Dude picks up the amulet)
M: NO!
Eaglebones: Good work dude!
Crash: Hey! (He knocks M over with a punch, then kicks the fallen M in the chest) This is for Super Magic Power Man! And this is for Lanolin Lady!
M: (protesting) I don’t know who you’re talking about!
Jimmy: Ricky, we’re heading your way. We’ve gotta get out of here.
Crash: And this, is for the children!!!
M: (spluttering) children? I didn’t hurt…
(After one last kick, Crash pauses, giving M time to get to his feet. Space Monster M’s red glaring eyes frighten Crash who shrinks)
M: Run away weak man. Where are you going?
(They all rush to the battletram as Eaglebones covers with laser fire. M reaches for the tram and lifts it to his eye level.)
M: I can see you! You puny human worms. Return the power band to me now!
MCBC: He wants the power band back? Ok! Robot, help me up to the bubble.
M: Oh. Yesss puny humans. Return to me what is rightfully mine.
MCBC: Here ya go porky! (He shoots Space Monster M with the amulet)
M: No!
(Space monster M starts to short, crackling with electricity. He throws the battletram, just before exploding himself. The g force knocks all the Aquabats out cold and they drift in space inside the battletram, just as we see them at the beginning of the first episode’s cartoon segment.)
Narrators voice: Now with the Aquabats hurled into outer space, who will be the protectors of earth? Are we truly and forever rid of Space Monster M? Will the Aquabats survive the vacuum of space? More action and adventure to come in the continuing stories of the Aquabats Supershow!

This morning I was dreaming I attended a concert which featured the Aquabats and the Beatles. Nine guys up on stage all at once. Eaglebones, John, Paul, Crash, MCBC, Ricky, Ringo, George, and Jimmy. And the venue was seating with about a twelve foot area clear of seats at the very front of the stage. And only about a dozen people left their seats to be in the near stage area. John leaned right down to sing to several of us seated at the foot of the stage. One of the crew approached us about the costumed character about to come in and told us to play along. Not very specific and I thought I did it wrong. It was something involving lighting candles from a small white birthday candle. Actually now that I’m awake it seems really dangerous. But whatever. MCBC came up to me to reassure me I did ok, then he turned into Jack Black and I woke up.

Previously on the Aquabats! Super Show:
These are mostly accurate shots from last episode. I think they used every single instance of MCBC slapping someone else with his space-infected tentacle limb.

Somewhere on a world tour…

MCBC: Ahh, there’s nothing like being a band on the road. The truck stop food- the public restrooms- the lack of showers! It’s so awesome! Eaglebones, what’s the next city on our world tour?
Eaglebones: Looks like- Cramtucket.
MCBC: Cramtucket.
Ricky: Hey Commander, I bet you one truck stop chimichanga you can’t hold your breath for ten miles.
MCBC: Chimichanga? You’re on Ricky. Step on it, Jimmy. (Pants, then hold his breath)
Jimmy: No commander. No more bets. Everyone knows you never turn down a bet, so they trick you into doing things they know you can’t win.
MCBC: (exhaling) Haha ridiculous. Name one bet I haven’t won.
Eaglebones: How ’bout that time Crash bet you couldn’t jump over that cactus?
(Cutaway shows MCBC’s attempt, Crash actually looks really disappointed when he bounces off the cactus.)
Crash: Or the time that Ricky bet that you couldn’t eat a whole pizza in one bite?
(Cutaway shows MCBC shoving an entire pizza at his face. Crash and Ricky cheer him on; Crash is holding money shouting ‘pizza pizza pizza’ Eaglebones just looks dubious.)
Jimmy: Or the time Eaglebones bet that you couldn’t get your head inside that shark.
MCBC: Wait, technically I won that one- I had my head way up inside that shark’s mouth.
Jimmy: I just think all this betting makes you look, well, rather foolish.
MCBC: It’s all in fun Jimmy. These little bets never hurt anyone. (Seeing a road sign) Whoa! A Cobraman? Pull over. Pull over, pull over!
Jimmy: We really shouldn’t, Commander. We’ve got to get to Cramtucket.
MCBC: But this one time, in fourth grade there was this kid named Conrad and he bet me that I’d never see a real live Cobraman. I can finally win the bet and get my five dollars back. Come on pull over Jimmy.
(They pull over into an area set up like a carnival. A man in a red wrestling mask and magician’s outfit spots them.)
Wrestlegician: Ohhhh- if I could get my hands on that. I could finally take the Cobraman on the road.
Ricky: Eww. This place is a dump.
MCBC: Correction, Ricky. This place is a dump with a Cobraman. (They walk into one of the tents) Hello? Anybody here? We wanna see the cobraman.
Wrestlegician: Magic!
Ricky: Whoa are you magic?
Wrestlegician: Yesss! I’m Carl. A magician and keeper of the mighty-
MCBC: Yeah that’s great. We wanna see the Cobraman!
Carl: Oh! Man of action I see. Then step right this way gentleman and prepare to behold a being Mother Nature never intended for you to see. The one, the only, -Cobraman! And all it will cost you is…fifty bucks each!
MCBC: Deal. Gold card!
Ricky: No wait!
Carl: Done! Walk this way!
(They do, following him to a tent which they enter.)
MCBC: Get ready Conrad from the fourth grade.
(Once they are all in the tent except Carl, he makes it collapse on them.)
Carl: Magic! Come on buddy.
(Carl and a covered figure get into the battletram.)
MCBC: Hey what’s the big idea? Where’s the Cobraman?
Eaglebones: He’s stealing the battletram.
(As four of them run after the battletram, Jimmy spies a yellow convertible)
Carl: (driving the tram) HAHA! Yeah.
(Running alongside, Ricky tries the door.)
Ricky: It’s locked!
Crash: They’re gettin’ away!
Jimmy: (pulling alongside the panting Aquabats in Carl’s car) Get in.

Carl: Yeah we got it! Finally we can go out on tour. Out of the open road. The truck stop food -the public restrooms- the complete lack of showers! It’s like heaven on wheels!

MCBC: We didn’t even get to see the Cobraman. What a gyp!

Carl: (noticing the car following him) What the-? They stole my car. Those little thieves. Well, they wanted to see the Cobraman. Let’s show ’em the Cobraman! Come on!
(Cobraman uncovers and climbs to observation bubble)

Eaglebones: Look there. On top of the battletram!
MCBC: Whoa! Wouldja look at that thing. In your face, Conrad from the fourth grade. Haha!
Ricky: Look! His hands are snakes!
Eaglebones: I wonder if it can talk.
Crash. You know my grandad used to milk snakes.
(Cobraman shoots snakes at them until they are forced to stop the car)
Eaglebones: (shocked) It’s gone. The battletram is actually gone!
Ricky: Now what do we do?
MCBC: Well that’s it. No battletram. No tour. No job. This is the end of the Aquabats my friends.

Faux-Mercial: Scruffy scruff is your pal!

(Aquabats are lawnscapers)
MCBC: You missed a spot right there. Good. Great.
Eaglebones: Commander, look. It’s the battletram!
MCBC: Those Aquabats were another lifetime ago, Eaglebones. We’ve got real jobs now.
Jimmy: But that guy just stole the battletram yesterday!
MCBC: We’re landscapers now, Robot. We’ve got to let the past go.
Crash: But we’re not even gonna try and get the battletram back?
MCBC: That’s right Crash. We’ve got jobs to do here. Now, go prune the petunias or something.
Ricky: Commander, I’ll bet you these good hedgeclippers that we couldn’t get that battletram back.
MCBC: A bet? You’re on Ricky. Gardeners, to the battletram!

Carl: (playfully interacting with fans exiting the Cobratram) Come on out. It’s the Cobraman. I told you, I told you! Oh and this guy. Look at him go! Tell your friends! Alright! Cobraman making money!
MCBC: Ok Aquabats, we’ll have to sneak on board. Activate stealth mode.
(They all turn their rash guards purple and approach the battletram with extra unnecessary movements. Jimmy types a long pass code and swipes his card at the back door)

(Inside the Cobratram, Carl counts piles of coins.)
Carl: Wait a minute. Cobraman, did you take some of my coins?
(Cobraman shakes his head no)
Carl: Cobraman! Cough it up. There it is.
(In the ‘tram hallway they reach the main door. MCBC makes a bunch of unintelligible hand gestures. They enter the media room and reveal themselves.)
MCBC: What’s up now circus freaks. The game is over.
Carl: Ohhh, but the game has only just begun. Technology! Cobraman attack!
(They spar, Cobraman holds Bones and Ricky by the necks while MCBC gets Carl in a choke hold.)
MCBC: Give it up Mr Donut Pants!
Carl: Not even close. My Cobraman is undefeatable.
MCBC: Yeah right. I could beat that thing with one hand tied behind my back.
Carl: Oh yeah, wanna bet?
MCBC: A bet?
Eaglebones: No no no- don’t bet!
MCBC: A bet??
Carl: Oh a sportin’ man eh? Then I’ll bet you your precious battletram that you can’t defeat my Cobraman in a fair fight.
Eaglebones: No no no no!
Jimmy: No commander!
MCBC: Your on! Yeah!
Carl: Magic!
Eaglebones: Hey, what’d you do with the commander?
Carl: Oh you’ll see. Cobraman tie em’ up. And now watch this, the Aquabats. Beep boop boop boop beep. Technology! (Pauses) What! It’s a cartoooon?

It’s a cartoon:
Narrator: The Aquabats, when last we left, were hurtling toward an unknown planet. Meanwhile down on the planet’s surface a wacko wizard with a bad news blade is about to get stab happy. Right on cue, the Aquabats. Wicked ricochet! The battletram has landed.
Barbarian Man: Free us and your reward will be untold riches.
MCBC: Riches? Let’s do it!
Wizard: Prepare to feel the wrath of my magic dagger.
Narrator: Black magic? Looks like he means it this time. (Eaglebones shoots him with his guitar. Jimmy picks up the dagger.) Curious. The Aquabats free their new friends. See you later trolligator. Awww.
MCBC: The magic dagger.
Jimmy: Yes this dagger is made from a strange metal.
Barbarian Man: He who wields the mighty dagger of Todd commands great mystic power.
MCBC: Todd? Really?
Barbarian woman: Now you must come to our village for a feast in your honor.
(The barbarians sing a gnarly song about being gnarly barbarians as the Aquabats dance and eat.)
Jimmy: Commander, I’ve been testing this magic dagger and it clearly has the power to get us home. Crash? Bones? Anyone?
Narrator: Can our heroes escape the Narbarian party? Tune in next time.

Carl: That’s not what I wanted to show you. Hang on. Beep beep boop technology! (The television screen shows MCBC outdoors somewhere) Ahahahaha! He’s in the desert. That’s bad!
MCBC: What in blue blazes? Where am I? (Cobraman appears) Carl must have magically transported me here to this mystical desert arena in order to battle his half human half cobra hybrid humanoid friend to the death. (To camera) What? It could happen.
(They fight; MCBC tries to escape into the nearby rock formations)
Carl: Aw no! Don’t let him get away. Just bite him already; you’ve got snake hands. Aw no!
Eaglebones: (whispering) Jimmy, we need to bust out of here and help the Commander. He’s no match against that Cobraman.
(Carl shoots a warning glare at Eaglebones for talking.)
Jimmy: Sorry friends. This might be a little unpleasant.
(Jimmy sends his hand to the control panel and triggers knockout gas to flood the room. After everyone has passed out, Jimmy reverses the switch and siphons out the gas.)

(Back in the desert MCBC ambushes Cobraman and manages to choke him unconscious)
MCBC: Sleeper hold! Go to sleep snake man! Go to sleep baby snake! It worked yeah! Woo!

(Jimmy gives a tied-up Carl a tiny electrical jolt to wake him)
Carl: What the-
Jimmy: Where’s the commander?
Carl: You can’t help him. He made a bet. And when he loses, y’all gonna have to pay up!
Jimmy: You’ve already lost the bet! Look.
Carl: What the-? How did he? Why I thought that, but I, awwww man!

(Battletram pulls up to grassy area next to the desert)
MCBC: Hello boys. Glad to see all of you in such fine shape. Oh yeah and by the way- I won the bet Mr Donut-Pants!
Carl: Yeah yeah. Where’s my Cobraman?
Ricky: Yeah, where’d he go?
(MCBC points to a hilltop)
Cobraman: Hahahahaha! I thank you so very much Bat Commander for being such a gentleman and letting me go.
Eaglebones: He can talk!
Cobraman: And Carl do not worry. I shall break you out of prison at my earliest convenience. So for now I shall but thee all adieu.
Ricky: Commander you let him go?!
MCBC: Yeah totally.
Jimmy: And why would you let him go?
MCBC: Because he bet me I wouldn’t …let, him, go… oh boy.
Ricky: Well you can bet we’ll see him again.
MCBC: Yeah I’ll take that bet. Hey don’t we have a world tour to finish?
The other four: Yeah…
MCBC: Well then Aquabats, let’s go!

The thing that wanted to kill me has invaded both Dan and Greg. It was probably unavoidable. Can I say how glad I am to not have exposed a concert full of kids and grown-ups to this bug? Not to mention the band and crew itself. At least the guys here at home I can shop for and make jello. It’s still pretty crap though…

I’ve watched TV basically all day. I found an afternoon slot that plays solid Gilligan’s Island. Earlier today I watched a marathon of Sex And The City. I rewatched a handful of episodes of The Aquabats to console myself for the loss of getting to see them in concert. I think all that TV is getting to me though. I keep thinking my life could be the plot to some kind of sitcom. You watch it and keep thinking that something this unlikely could never happen, except there’s no laugh track. And the football star isn’t going to get a flat tire outside my dad’s office or something, just so I can meet him.

Tonite there will be an Aquabats concert. I have tickets and can’t attend. I am sick with an epic sinus infection which makes it hard to: breathe, sleep, talk, and hear. So my long weekend I took time off for is just me trying to not die of suffocation. Today I hate my life.

I write the things that I want to read. Then later I can return to read my work and it feels like a friend has written it. I do this because there isn’t anyone else like me. No one does the things I do. No one sees the things I see. I don’t know why I’m alone. I just am. It’s not bad. It’s not good. It just is.

Previously on the Aquabats! Supershow!: We are looking at about 50% actual footage from last time. I like the one of Ricky imprisoned inside a crystal.

Somewhere at a desert campsite…

(The Aquabats are set up to play from inside a tent in the desert)
Dude in an “I am awesome” T-shirt: Alright, here she comes guys. You ready?
All the ‘bats: Yeah…
T-shirt: Just watch for my signal and then start playing our song. After that she’ll totally take me back, and we’ll grow old together and raise goats.
Ricky: But we get paid before the goat stuff right?
T-shirt: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, just play real good ok? (He steps fully outside as a car drives up)
T-shirt’s Ex: Alright Ronmark, I’m here now what is this all about?
Ronmark: Zalga babe! You look great! Thanks for coming out.
MCBC: (whispering inside the tent) Their names are Ronmark and Zalga? Where are these people from- Mars?
Zalga: Wait. Why is that tent here? I’m not getting into that tent with you again.
Ronmark: Naw babe, ya got it all wrong- it’s nothing like that! Naw, I got something real special planned for us. Yeah I think your uh, (shouting) really gonna like it!
(The Aquabats are all giggling so hard they don’t notice the signal)
Zalga: Well?
Ronmark: Uh, I said, I think you’re really gonna like it!!
MCBC: (still making fun of their names) Oh yes Zalga can you hand me the vorbulux computron matrix? Affirmative Ronmark.
(A shooting star streaks across the sky)
Zalga: O-h Ronmark.
Crash: Hey, was that Marky-Mark’s signal?
Zalga: It’s beautiful. How did you ever pull this off?
Ronmark: Uhhh. I know a guy. Yeah. Like a meteor guy.
Zalga: Aw, you really do care. We never should have broken up.
Ronmark: (Aside) Yes. (To Zalga) Alright babe just gimme one second, ok?
Zalga: Ok.
Ronmark: Stay cute forever!
MCBC: This is it boys. Let’s make it good; we could really use the money.
Ricky : 1!2!3!4!
Ronmark: (putting his head into the tent) Thanks guys. Turns out I won’t need your services. You can split.
MCBC: Wait what?
Ricky: We still get paid though right?
Ronmark: Paid? No way. You didn’t play one note!
Eaglebones: But we’ve been standing in this tent for like, eight hours!
Ronmark: Yeah it’s pretty lame, huh? Didn’t you guys used to be like popular or something? Ouch!
MCBC: Why I oughta! (He lunges at Ronmark but the other ‘bats hold him back.)
Ronmark: Can’t get me! Ouch!
(Back outside) Right babe let’s get out of here.
Zalga: Yeah! (They drive away)
(Off in the desert we see the meteorite has landed nearby. It breaks apart and sprays a cactus with liquid. The cactus mutates into a monster with multiple eyes.)

(Driving away in the battletram,)
Eaglebones: I can’t believe we waited in that tent all night, and that guy still totally stiffed us!
Ricky: What a jerk.
Crash: Yeah. Who names their kid Denmark anyways?
MCBC: We’ve got to find another way to make some cash. Jimmy, can you use your robot brain to think of some stuff?
Jimmy: Uh sure Commander. I think I can handle that.
MCBC: Fantastic. Then think of some new ways to make us some more dolla-dolla bills.
Jimmy: We could check out that meteor we saw last night. Science will pay top dollar for an intact meteorite.
MCBC: Yes. Thank you science. To the impact crater!
(They arrive and MCBC starts poking at the space rock)
MCBC: Alright. Let’s check out this astrometeortoid! Ooh. I bet this thing’s full of science!
Eaglebones: Commander. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
MCBC: (He pokes it and gets meteor liquid on his finger.) Hey this kinda tickles. (Suddenly he begins to scream as his arm swells and protrudes tentacles) Jimmy, what’s wrong with me!?
Jimmy: It’s some kind space infection. This futuristic clamp will keep it from spreading to the rest of your body.
MCBC: Oh who are we kidding, just cut it off already! I can take it. I can take it!!
Jimmy: We need to get you aboard! Ricky, the meteorite!
Ricky: Right!
(Eaglebones spots a trail leading from the impact crater. He ponders it for a moment, then follows the others. Ricky grabs an oven mitt and uses it to bring the meteorite with them.)

(Ronmark and Zalga watch the sun rise in her car.)
Zalga: That was a beautiful sunrise.
Ronmark: Yeah babe. And we can watch sunrises every morning with our goats.
Zalga: Goats? Did you just say goats?
Ronmark: Yeah. I mean that’s the plan right? We grow old together and raise goats.
Zalga: Ronmark, I HATE goats. Your last girlfriend BLANDY liked goats. I always said that we’d grow old and write books together.
Ronmark: Books? Uh, no thanks. Uh-uh.
Zalga: I’ve had it Ronmark. It’s over. Again!
(At that moment, the Cactus Monster appears and kidnaps Zalga, carrying her away. Both Zalga and Ronmark shriek appropriately.)
Ronmark: Blandy!! I mean ZALGA!!

(Back on board the battletram,)
MCBC: Jimmy!!!
Jimmy: Commander, for the last time I am not going to cut your arm off.
MCBC: (moaning) Awwww…
Jimmy: (scanning the meteorite) That’s strange.
MCBC: What is it robot? A cut off my arm alert?
Jimmy: No, it’s a cartoon.

It’s a cartoon:
Narrator: Last time the shrunken Aquabats rebooted Jimmy’s brain while he dodged wormholes in the battletram. Now our heroes must get out of Jimmy’s head before they grow back to normal size.
Automated Shuttle Voice: 5, 4, 3, 2,
MCBC: Jimmy it’s now or never!!!
(Jimmy shoots them out of his nose)
Narrator: Robo nose blow!
MCBC: (mashing the eject button) Eject!
Narrator: Back to normal size!
Crash: (finding the tiny shuttle crushed underneath them) Aw man!
MCBC: It’s ok, Crash. We’ll probably never need that again.
Narrator: (the space worm slams into them again) Oh yeah, THAT guy. (He bites another hole in spacetime) That sucks- literally. The battletram hurtles through time and space!
Jimmy: Thanks for saving me friends, and even though we just got sucked into a giant wormhole and the odds are we’ll never make it out, I love you all so much.
MCBC: Jimmy, let’s hug later. We need to get out of here like now!
Jimmy: If my calculations are correct, the only way out is the way in.
MCBC: Whatever that means, do it!
Narrator: Jimmy fires up the thrusters and- (they drive straight into the spaceworm’s mouth)
MCBC: What now Jimmy?
Jimmy: We have to go out uhhh the back, way…
The other four: Ewww, nasty. (Jimmy floors it, and we see the worm make a surprised face. The battletram appears again in normal space with the wormhole behind it.)
Narrator: The Aquabats are propelled from the space worm.
Jimmy: Look! A planet. We can land there and repair the battletram.
‘Bats: Yeah! Alright, let’s go!
Narrator: Can the Aquabats survive crash-landing on another planet? Is that too much like the first episode? Man I’m getting all self conscious. Tune in to find out!

(Back to the battletram)
MCBC: Crash- old friend, good buddy- you’ll do it won’t ya? You’ll saw off your commander’s arm, won’t ya? It’s the right thing to do.
Crash: (nodding reluctantly) Ok. Why do I have to do everything around here?
Jimmy: Crash! (Jimmy tries to stop Crash, but doesn’t have to, the arm defends itself, pushing Crash away.) Commander what are you doing?
MCBC: It’s not me Jimmy! This thing’s got a mind of it’s own. It’s like it’s trying to protect itself or something. (He and Crash repeatedly punch the arm. The rest of the scene and episode is punctuated by punches against the arm.) I told ya we shoulda cut it off!
Eaglebones: (radio voice) Jimmy, Commander, come in. Do you copy?
Jimmy: (to Crash) Do NOT cut his arm off. (to radio) Go ahead Eaglebones.
Eaglebones: Picking up something on the radar. It’s. It’s- It’s, it’s, it’s (sigh) it’s Ronmark.
MCBC and Crash: Ronmark?!
Jimmy: Oh, man.
MCBC: Do not pull over for that clown bag.
Jimmy: Commander, the Aquabats have a moral obligation to help people in need. Even clown bags.
MCBC: Ok fine. Let him in.
Ronmark: Remember me? Yes? Stop! Hello! (He climbs onboard)

Bat Cartoon: Pogo stick, what’s a pogo stick?

(Cactus Monster carries the no-longer-shrieking Zalga across the desert)
Zalga: Ow ow ow. Could we please stop these needles really hurt. Jeez thank you. (CM puts her down but then keeps touching her) Ow. Jeez ow wow wow wow! (CM tears a chunk of her hair out) Do you like, LIKE like me or something? (Zalga walks away, CM follows)

(On the battletram, everyone is in the media room. Commander is strapped to a table, ostensibly so his arm won’t become a problem. Ronmark has been given a blanket. Eaglebones hands him a glass of water.)
Ronmark: (sincere) Thank you. (He takes a sip, then looks bratty and annoyed.) Uh, don’t you guys have sparkling water? Eww.
Ricky: Just tell us what happened already!
Ronmark: It was horrible. It was like a cactus and Bigfoot had a baby together. It came out of nowhere and took my Zalga. She was my- she was my ride home, you know?
MCBC: Well as much as I hate helping you Rondork, we can’t just let some cactus monster run off with an innocent girl. No matter how weird her name is.
Ricky: But how do we find it?
Eaglebones: Well I did see some mysterious tracks leading away from the meteorite’s impact crater. It must have mutated a cactus just like it mutated the Commander’s arm.
Jimmy: And I could use science to track it.
MCBC: Yes, more science. Aquabats, let’s go.

(Cactus Monster dances for Zalga.)
Zalga: That’s a really great dance and everything, but I’m kinda starving.
(Cactus Monster brings snacks that are mainly snakes full of cactus needles.)
Zalga: Oh my barf…
(Battletram pulls up)
MCBC: Ricky the girl. (Slaps him) Oh, sorry.
(Ricky runs to Zalga, scoops her up and runs to the battletram. The cactus shoots a spine at him. He trips but tosses Zalga over to Crash)
Crash: Hi, I’m Crash. (Sets her down and steps in front of her protectively)
Ronmark: (from inside the battletram) Oh, that big dude better not make a move on my girl.
Jimmy: Please shut up.
(Eaglebones shoots the Cactus Monster with guitar lasers and it shoots back, jamming spines into the guitar)
MCBC: Alright prickly. It’s you and me. (Slaps himself counterproductively) Jimmy? Missiles please.
(Cactus Monster deflects the missiles, then launches exploding flowers at them.)
Jimmy: Aquabats, back to the battletram. We need to regroup!

Faux-Mercial: SCABS! 100% Fruit chews.

(Cactus Monster is outside attacking the battletram, making it rock from side to side)
Zalga: (as he’s sneaking his arm around her) Oh don’t even try it Ronmark! I said it was over and I meant it.
Ronmark: But babe!
(MCBC slaps Ronmark)
MCBC: Sorry. I can’t control this thing. Its- got a mind of its own.
Zalga: That cactus thing’s not gonna stop. I think it’s kind of in love with me.
Ronmark: So you love this cactus freak now?
(MCBC slaps him again with the other arm)
MCBC: Mind of its own.
Ronmark: But that was your normal arm!
Jimmy: Everyone please listen. There’s only one way we’re gonna defeat that creature out there: by doing science!
All seven: Science!
(They play with chemicals and circuitry while singing Doin’ Science. Several Aquabats injure themselves during the course of the song. I guess that’s what you get for singing around hazardous chemicals! Read the sign guys…)

Crash: (to Cactus Monster) Hey. Is this your rock? Then go get it!
Ricky: (holding a glass test tube) Have some science cactus thing!
Zalga: Stop!
Ronmark: I knew it. You totally love him. (At this remark, MCBC ‘accidentally’ slaps Ronmark, followed by Jimmy who also slaps Ronnark.)
Zalga: That cactus monster has paid more attention to me than you ever did Ronmark. That’s why, I should be the one- to destroy it! (She throws down the test tube, creating a fog that returns the cactus to normal)
MCBC: You really blew it Ronjon. That girl rules. HahaHaha. Loser! Outta my way pipsqueak!

(Aboard the battletram heading to their next adventure,)
Eaglebones: It sure was nice of Zalga to pay us the money Ronmark promised.
MCBC: You said it Eaglebones. It’s payday for the Aquabats. And you all know what that means!
Eaglebones: New guitar strings!
MCBC: Uh uh.
Ricky: Wheat grass shooters!
MCBC: No.
Crash: Rocket powered hot dog!
Jimmy: Uh, shouldn’t we pay someone to have your arm fixed?
MCBC: Nope! I got a fatty gold ring with ma’ name on it. Spent all the money too. Look at all them diamonds! It’s awesome, with them bling bling. Boo Ya!

(Zalga has strapped the cactus to her car and is preparing to leave.)
Ronmark: Come on Zalga baby, give me another chance. Think of the goats! I mean books! Aw, baby don’t get in car, come on. Don’t get in the seat! Stop it! No. Do not put that key in the ignition. You DID! What did I do to deserve this? I’ve been nothing but good to you! Name one thing I did wrong to you!! (She leaves) What’s that stupid rock? (The scene ends with Ronmark getting sprayed in the face with meteorite liquid.)