Author: Tracey

But first some other things;
Dan and I watched the Clash of the Titans, um where were the titans? I saw one titan. It should have been called The Clash of Perseus and Calibos or the Clash of Olivier and McGonagal. But whatever.

When throwing a duck here’s what to say,
“Ay ay ay ay ay!”
Ask my sister. Sometimes she works for a lady who trains hunting dogs. They teach them to fetch ducks that have been hunted. So my sister tosses a duck and shouts and the dog learns to pick it up. Sometimes she throws fake ducks and sometimes frozen ones. Now you know and you can tell anyone who asks you.

Now to our top story-
A lady I work with went to a casino with her husband. The first thing they did was look in the bible in their hotel room. Why? Because last time they went to a casino they found $600 in the bible. I told you it pays to read the bible!

I was going through some papers of mine and found some cards from campers when I was a counselor a few years ago. They each said something nice about me but two of them bore the phrase “if you eat me you will die”. I decided this was an inside joke that week. Later I remember that it was actually part of a riddle. Here it is as recited by one of my campers:
What is this?
It is greater than God
It is worse than the devil
The poor have it
The rich want it
If you eat me you will die

So if you notice, she starts out saying this is a thing you have to guess, then at the end changes it to ‘I am this thing you have to guess’. Only she doesn’t tell you she’s making the switch. It was probably accidental, but as I listen to it I crack up laughing. It really sounds like she’s posing a riddle, then at the end telling us, “Oh by the way, if you eat me you will die, so don’t do it.”
In case you were wondering, the answer to the riddle is nothing.

At work right before I usually leave
Sandy- I brought mega M&Ms, have some.
me- (putting 3 in my mouth) If you eat 3 are they M,M&Ms?
Alice- Wha-?
Sandy- Go home, Tracey.

Every time I think I’ve lost you, you come back.
Every time I think I’ve found you for good, you leave.

Last fall Jay and I made up mad libs for each other. Here is how they came out:

#1
Once upon a time there was Bob. He was near a guy named Jason. They were in ‘cahootz’ working on ‘time travel’. Tracey came over and found a ‘flux capacitor’. They ordered lunch and ate it ‘almost’. On Halloween they all dressed up as ‘Marty Mcfly and Doc Brown’ and rode a ‘delorean’ around the neighborhood. Somebody ‘broke’ a television set and they all celebrated by having ‘joyous sacrifices’. Suddenly a small ‘waitress on roller skates’ appeared and gave them ‘a cheeseburger’. It was ‘SOOOO GOOOOD’ that they never went back to ‘2006’ again.

#2
Jason was feeling ‘sleepy’ and went to his favorite store ‘Grand Union’. He got a new store credit card for ‘$20’. He quickly maxed it out by buying ‘gum, bread and 2 instant dinners’ and ‘a very small bag of water balloons’. The cashier asked him “Would you like a ‘venus flytrap’ with that?” And he said, “Only ‘$400’ buy six!” As soon as he got his new stuff home one of his ‘venus flytraps’ quickly ‘ate him whole’. The moral of this story is ‘spending money leads to being eaten’. Learn from Jason and know that only ‘wierdos’ buy ‘carnivorous plants’!

and a conversation
me- So at camp, I decide to hang out with my friend Phil for a minute. He’s by himself; his co-counselor is gone somewhere. Her name is Amanda and she’s in charge of the cabin of girls. I’m talking with Phil and the girls are-
Jason- Can you get to the punch line of this story a little faster please?
me-…half an hour!
Jason- Ok now you’ve got the opposite problem.

You know the name game? The song with the ‘banana fana’ ect? Never play it with the name Chuck. Or Mitch. Seriously- just try it. You’ll see why.

at work
We are all smelling smoke from outside and wonder what could be burning. Annmarie goes out to investigate and is met at the door by a security guard who talks to her for a while, giving the situation. She returns.
Annmarie- Well there are two fires. I guess one of them is only a block or so down the street. The other one is a courier vehicle that flooded.
me- And then- caught on fire?
Annmarie- Uh no…it flooded.
Pauline- You just said there were two fires.
Annmarie- There are two fires. One is down the street and the other is farther down the street.
me- And the courier vehicle?
Annmarie- It’s not a fire. It just flooded.
me- Oh.

Warren- Ralph is in hematology talking about World War One.
AJ- He’s been there for like, half an hour
Warren- Well it was a long war.

Vg- We are missing a sample.
me- What’s the name?
Vg- It came a half hour before you got here, so it’s not you. You are out of the hook.

You know how people talk with their hands? Well we saw a girl walking down the street talking on a cell phone and gesturing with the other hand. Funny sight! (does she know the person on the other end cannot see her?)

warning: this post is f@*%ed up, do not read it

My friend Mary died. I say my friend Mary because she isn’t really my aunt or great aunt although for convenience sake I have called her that. She is the sister of my great aunt, this great aunt was made so by marriage. Mary was not my aunt. Now she isn’t anybody’s aunt. She died and now she’s dead. There wasn’t anything I could do. There wasn’t anything you could do. There was nothing anyone could do. In short we are all totally useless. And I am the most useless of all because I think there are things I can do. There are not. I can do nothing at all. I am useless.

Last night there was this big ol’ wind and rain storm and it knocked down a tree in our woods and the dirt and junk is all sticking up around the roots. It’s pretty cool to see, if I had a clue about how to put up a picture of it I would. That’s all for now.

I am sitting around the house eating tortellini that has not been cooked. (yeah I know, but I like it uncooked)
Dan- Let me see that box. The first ingredient is Salmonella!
me- No it’s not.
Dan- Look for yourself.
me- Ingredients- Semolina…
Dan- And you think I make this stuff up.

another time
me- Here’s what I did today- (handing him a sheet of things done to fix my car’s air conditioner and written by the mechanic)
Dan- AC Blows!
me- What? (I read the lines: A/C blows warm, low refrigerant charge, so on)
Dan- See it does.
me- You know that reminds me, why are the words suck and blow not antonyms? Like ‘Oh man that blows. I’ll fix it! Thanks man, now it sucks.’

Around work
(phone rings at work for the umpteenth time)
Jeff- Christ!
me- I doubt it.

(I am reading from something I hold in my hands which is very clearly a book)
Ralph- Is that a book?
me-(pause) I’m sorry did you just ask me if this is a book?

later
Ralph- So good luck with your safe, and whatever you keep in it. Whether it be important documents, or secret papers…
me- Actually I keep my public papers in there.
Ralph- And your secret papers you keep just-
me- all over the countertop.

Yup, I’ve become an aunt. Jessica had her baby and she is the cutest little thing you ever saw. We got an email this morning with baby pictures and measurements. Her name is Caroline and she’s 6 pounds 7oz. Now I can have her as my desktop background instead of an internet baby I don’t know. Dan put her in the address book so we can keep her birthday.

me- AWWWW! So cute!
Dan- Cute as a button?
me- She’s cute as TWO buttons.
Dan- That can be her employment place. Cute as Two Buttons Inc.