I want to start something and I need to write about it. I want to share my experience with depression in my life. Or like it wants to be shared from in me. I imagine maybe none of the four people reading my blog will want to hear about something that is sad, and over with, and so overdone in dramatic fashion through TV and movies. But this blog is also about me and what I like to write. Therefore I will write and get this out of me, and perhaps even find out why this wants so badly to be written.
These are some of the words I would have written at the time if I could have written at all while I was in the throes of it:
So you see nothing, always, you feel nothing. It hurts so hard, but you can’t feel it at all. You just feel dead.
Every day waking up. Why though…why wake at all?
What is in the world for me?
There is nothing anywhere for me. No one understands this. No one knows this.
I am alone. I am cold. No, I want to feel cold. So I can feel something. I feel nothing.
I HATE MY LIFE I HATE EVERYTHING I JUST HATE TO LIVE IN THIS PLACE I HATE I HATE
I get up. I have to go to work so I do. Once I am there I don’t want to do anything. I want to not do anything. I try to do something. I stop. I can’t. I stop walking. Stop. I am stuck. I try to move my legs. I try to move my arms. I am panicking. No one can see me! No one look! They will see me and think- I’m crazed. I have to run! What would happen if I did? I will, I am about to run- bolt- leave- fly until I expire from exhaustion. They will never see me again, I never have to worry. But I can’t. I stand frozen. I am in terror that they see the look in my eyes. I move slowly to sit down. I do not look around. Perhaps they haven’t seen it in me. I breath in and out carefully. No one says anything to me. Maybe they don’t know. They don’t notice. Notice! Help ME! HELP ME! HELP ME PLEASE!!
Later I am alone and by myself I am alone.
I’m going to die- I’m going to I am- I just can’t do anything at all at all at all at all at all oh at all!
You look at your hand. You pick it up and just look at it. There it is. It is. IT IS. Dead? Are you dead. Stick a pin in it. Do you feel anything? You are what- alive? Why give all your friends and family the pleasure of looking at you anymore. If you are dead. You might as well be dead to everyone. Then they will know for sure. You aren’t doing them any good anyway. You’ll never do anyone any good. You are no good to anyone at all. SO DIE already.