A funny bit from the Muppet Show Pilot- also called The Muppet Show Sex and Violence
Presenting the theatre of things:
(pencils jump up and down in a large group, one pencil announces)
Pencil- Citizens, I give you, your new ruler!
(a ruler steps forward and speaks)
Ruler- Now we all know the last ruler was CROOKED!
All pencils- Yeah, yeah!
Ruler- He couldn’t measure up!
All pencils- Yeah!
Ruler- But I’m straight! And I’m here to tell you where to DRAW THE LINE!
All pencils- yeah. Yeah!
Ruler- Now GET THE LEAD OUT!
All pencils- YEAH!!!
(all the pencils charge offscreen)
Winnie the Pooh
My favorite exchange from the old Winnie the Pooh series shows is as follows:
Piglet- Pooh, haven’t you been listening?
Pooh- Uh…I’m sorry, I had a small piece of fluff in my ear.
Rabbit- Well where should I start from?
Pooh- From the moment the fluff got in my ear.
Rabbit- Ah, when was that?
Pooh- I don’t know, I couldn’t hear properly.
The Bald Soprano
I did sound for a play by Eugene Ionesco. It was titled The Bald Soprano. It was sort of like an abstract painting. It wasn’t supposed to be like anything, it was ridiculous, and I guess each person could place their own meaning on it. It starts off fairly cohesive and kind of degenerates into utter nonsense then ends. Here are some of my favorite bits:
Mrs. Smith- This morning when you looked in the mirror you didn’t see yourself.
Mr. Smith- That’s because I wasn’t there yet.
The maid enters and offers to recite a poem. No one wants to hear it because she’s only a maid but she insists. What you have to know about the poem is that the actors were directed to act as if the word ‘fire’ was the word ‘sex’ and as the poem progresses the listeners get more uncomfortable and more turned on as the word ‘fire’ is repeated, while the maid gets more and more enthusiastic in her recitation. They actually haul her offstage at the end to make her quit. Here is the poem-
The polypoids were burning in the wood
A stone caught fire
The castle caught fire
The forest caught fire
Then men caught fire
The women caught fire
The birds caught fire
The fish caught fire
The WATER caught FIRE
The SKY caught FIRE
The ASHES caught FIRE
The SMOKE caught FIRE
The FIRE CAUGHT FIRE!
EVERYTHING CAUGHT FIRE, CAUGHT FIRE, CAUGHT FIRE!!
(more towards the end)
Mrs. Smith- Take a circle, caress it, and it will turn vicious.
Mr. Smith- Dogs have fleas! Dogs have fleas!
Mrs. Martin- Cactus! coccyx! crocus! cockaded! cockroach!
Mrs. Smith- Incasker you incask us!